These are the trends that we think we’ll see (and hope to see) emerge in the toy sex industry this year.
Thrusting toys
Thrusting toys are one of our most popular sex toys we carry and are here to stay for this year. There’s been many advancements recently to these types of pleasure products; the powerful motors have become quieter, many have added vibration, and we’re seeing all kinds of new shapes. We think that 2024 is going to have many more variations available including one of the newest design trends of flickering internal or external arms like the Layla Rosy.
Layla Rosy Butterfly Flapping Vibrator
Reworked Classics
Magic Wand introduced their Micro Wand in 2023 and people loved it! After such a success, we hope other brands will follow suit on rethinking their popular toys. Expect to see reworked classic sex toys available in new shapes, sizes, colors, or materials.
More Accessibility
Yes for accessible toys! We’re predicting more toys like the Touchbot Lattice Handle to ensure that pleasure is accessible to everyone. Expect 2024 to include new wedges and straps to help with positioning, toys that can be held easily or are hands-free, and an array of new harness designs.
Suction Toys
We all know about air pressure toys at this point and they’ve become a sex toy classic. But make way for suction toys in 2024! Toys like the Scioness help to increase sensation with gentle suction, drawing blood flow to the area and mimicking the arousal response.
Scioness Sucking and Licking Clitoral Stimulator
The rise of Hard Materials
Normalize hard material toys! While we’ve always been a fan of toys made from stainless steel and glass, we also know that they can be intimidating for some. However the weight actually works to your advantage to make pressure easier to achieve and the last a life time. Plus we’re seeing brands make stunning new designs such as Biird with the the Kalii wand.
Normalizing Genderless products
It’ll be 5 years this year since we introduced Enby(!) and we’re hoping to see even more genderless toys in 2024. Gender doesn’t have to be a factor in shopping for toys. In fact, it’s simper to focus on body parts and preferences. We hope to see more sex toys that are made and marketed to everyone.
]]>
Suctions toys and pumps may not be the first thing you think of when picturing sex toys but they’re a classic design that has many upsides and advantages. Pumps and suction toys can be great to explore for people who want to increase their overall genital sensitivity or for folks who find that their arousal response is inhibited physically (a common side effect of certain medications and medical conditions). They can draw blood to the area mimicking the arousal response, heighten sensitivity, help with sexual dysfunction, and can provide multiple ways to get off. Plus, they are so fun to use!
There are a lot of different styles of pumps and suction toys out there to pick from but, to avoid suction toy decision fatigue, we’ve picked out the best ones for you.
Scioness Sucking and Licking Stimulator
Our most popular pump toy! While still not as mainstream as other sex toy designs, pumps are finally getting their dues for being fun as well as functional. The Scioness pairs the sucking power of a pump with vibration to deliver ultimate pleasure. This toy cups your entire vulva, before sucking and licking you with oral like stimulation. Simple put, are you ready to be sucked and licked to heaven? Well, the Scioness is ready to do all the hard work so you don’t have to!
Penis pumps can not only feel good, they can help with occasional ED especially when used with cock rings. The new VeDo Penis Pump is one of the few body-safe options out there, being made of silicone and ABS plastic.
So why would someone use a penis pump? Pumps can be great options for penis-owners who experience consistent or temporary erectile dysfunction, as well as with circulation issues or other arousal response inconsistencies. They can also be a fun and safe way to explore just how hard you can get!
Penis pumps work by creating pressure around the penis to draw blood into the shaft to create and maintain an erection. I know you’re wondering - no, this does not hurt! When used right, the sensation is a gentle pressure. As you can see with my marshmallows, the VeDo has small incremental suctions and a quick release button.
Finally, why would you use a penis pump when there are many ED medications on the market? Firstly, while medications work for some, they aren’t effective, accessible, or desirable for all of us. Furthermore, many ‘supplements’ are simply snake oil or, at best, placeboes that can cause more harm than good.
Get blood flow going to your clit or nipples to make then extra sensitive with this multi-cup kit. The kit includes three different cylinder sizes, allowing you to choose the perfect fit for your body. Each cylinder is equipped with a soft, removable silicone donut for added comfort and a secure seal. The easy-grip handle ensures a firm hold, giving you full control over the suction intensity.
With a larger opening than most suction toys, the flexible body of the Body Kisses allows for it to be used in multiple way on multiple body parts. Erogenous zones of all kinds can delight in this unique suction toy that features a soft, flexible opening with a delicious sucking motor in 7 speeds from gentle to intense. The larger mouth is great for nipples or clits of any size, even for folks who have bottom growth or the tip of the penis. An easy-to-use 2-button control panel sits comfortably in your hand as you enjoy the suction and vibration together or separately.
Still looking for that perfect suction toy or pump?
]]>
The holiday season is a time for spreading love and joy, and what better way to do so than with a sexy intimate gift? Sex toys can make fantastic presents that enhance both pleasure and connection. But with so many options available, selecting the ideal sex toy gift can be a bit daunting. In this guide, we'll walk you through the types of toys you can consider and offer some steps and suggestions to help you decide.
Types of Sex Toys for Gifting:
Steps and Suggestions for Selecting the Perfect Gift:
Finding the ideal sex toy gift is about understanding your recipient's desires and selecting a high-quality product that aligns with those desires. With the right choice, you can give the gift of pleasure and intimacy that will be appreciated and cherished throughout the holiday season and beyond. Remember, it's not just a gift; it's a gateway to enhancing intimacy and connection between you and your loved one. Don’t forget: you can always send a gift card!
]]>In a world that's increasingly open to diverse relationship dynamics, the topic of polyamory and non-monogamy has become more prevalent than ever before. If you're curious about exploring these alternatives to traditional monogamous relationships and want to have an honest conversation with your partner, this guide is designed to help you navigate that conversation with empathy, respect, and understanding.
Understanding Polyamory and Non-Monogamy:
Polyamory: Polyamory is the practice of having multiple consensual and open romantic relationships at the same time. These relationships can range from emotional to sexual connections, but they are all based on honesty, communication, and mutual consent.
Non-Monogamy: Non-monogamy is an umbrella term that encompasses various relationship styles beyond traditional monogamy. This includes:
Open Relationships: Partners agree to have sexual relationships with other people while maintaining their emotional commitment to each other.
Swinging: Couples engage in sexual activities with others for recreational purposes, often as a shared experience.
Polyfidelity: A closed group of individuals have multiple romantic and sexual relationships within the group, but not with outsiders.
Relationship Anarchy: Rejecting the idea of predefined relationship structures, focusing on building relationships based on individual needs and desires.
Broaching the Topic:
1. Choose the Right Time and Place: Find a comfortable and private setting where both of you can openly express yourselves without distractions.
2. Communicate Your Intentions: Clearly state your desire to discuss the possibility of exploring polyamory. Be prepared for emotional reactions, and assure your partner that your intention is to maintain open communication.
3. Educate Yourself: Prior to the conversation, familiarize yourself with the terms related to polyamory and non-monogamy. This will demonstrate that you're approaching the topic thoughtfully.
If Your Partner Says "Yes":
Celebrate Mutual Interest: Express your appreciation for their open-mindedness and willingness to consider the idea.
Set Boundaries: Establish clear boundaries and guidelines for how your polyamorous relationship will function. Regular and honest communication is essential to maintain trust and emotional safety.
Seek Support: Consider seeking advice from experienced polyamorous individuals, attending support groups, or reading books on the subject to better navigate this new journey.
If Your Partner Says "No":
Respect Their Feelings: Accept their response with respect and empathy. Understand that polyamory is not for everyone and that their feelings are valid.
Reevaluate Your Relationship Goals: Reflect on your own desires and whether you're willing to compromise on this aspect of your relationship for the sake of your partner's comfort and happiness.
Give Them Time: Give your partner time to process the idea. Revisit the topic later if they express interest in discussing it further.
If Your Partner Says "Maybe":
Keep the Conversation Open: Acknowledge their uncertainty and let them know that you're open to discussing the topic further whenever they feel ready.
Offer Resources: Share educational resources, articles, and books about polyamory and non-monogamy, so they can better understand the concept.
Continued Communication: Regularly check in with your partner about their feelings and thoughts. Revisit the topic as their understanding and comfort levels evolve.
Our Favorite Books to Learn More about Polyamory and Non-monogamy:
Polysecure is both a trailblazing theoretical treatise and a practical guide. It provides nonmonogamous people with a new set of tools to navigate the complexities of multiple loving relationships, and offers radical new concepts that are sure to influence the conversation about attachment theory.
A counselor and nurse specializing in polyamorous singles, couples and groupings, Kathy Labriola has spent many years helping people to understand and manage their jealousy. The Jealously Workbook is a compendium of the techniques and exercises she has developed, as well as tips and insights from the polyamory community's top educators, therapists and authors.
Considered a classic, The Ethical Slut is an essential guide for singles and couples who want to explore polyamory in ways that are ethically and emotionally sustainable. For anyone who has ever dreamed of love, sex, and companionship beyond the limits of traditional monogamy, this groundbreaking guide navigates the infinite possibilities that open relationships can offer.
In conclusion, approaching the topic of exploring polyamory or non-monogamy with your partner requires sensitivity, patience, and clear communication. Keep in mind that this journey may lead to new levels of connection and growth within your relationship, regardless of the outcome. Remember that relationships are built on trust, love, and mutual understanding, and the key to a successful conversation lies in respecting your partner's feelings while remaining open to exploring new possibilities together.
]]>When it comes to sexual wellness and exploration, there's a wide range of activities that individuals might choose to engage in. One such practice that has gained attention in recent years is urethral sounding. While it might sound intimidating or unfamiliar to some, urethral sounding is a form of sexual play that can be both pleasurable and safe when done correctly. In this guide, we'll delve into what urethral sounding is, how to do it safely, and why communication and hygiene are paramount.
Understanding Urethral Sounding
Urethral sounding involves inserting a smooth, cylindrical object into the urethra – the tube connecting the bladder to the external genitals. This can be done for pleasure, medical purposes, or even as a form of dominance and submission in BDSM contexts. The urethra is lined with sensitive nerve endings, making it a potential source of unique sensations when stimulated.
Safety First: How to Engage in Urethral Sounding Safely
Use the Right Tools: Opt for specially designed urethral sounds made from body-safe materials like surgical stainless steel, silicone, or glass. Avoid using objects not intended for this purpose, as they can cause injury or infection. Check out our selection of sounds here.
Sterilization is Key: Prior to use, thoroughly clean and sterilize your urethral sounds using warm water and a toy cleaner, or by following the manufacturer's instructions. Ensuring your tools are germ-free is crucial to preventing infections.
Lubrication is a Must: Apply a generous amount of water-based lubricant to both the urethral sound and the opening of the urethra. This reduces friction and discomfort during insertion.
Mind Your Technique: Gently insert the urethral sound into the urethra. Never force it or use excessive pressure. Listen to your body and proceed slowly. If you experience any pain or discomfort, stop immediately.
Hygiene is Vital: Wash your hands thoroughly before and after the session. Be sure to maintain proper hygiene to minimize the risk of infection.
Start Small: If you're new to urethral sounding, begin with smaller sizes and gradually work your way up to larger ones as you become more comfortable. Always prioritize your own comfort and limits.
Communication and Consent: If you're engaging in urethral sounding with a partner, clear communication and mutual consent are essential. Discuss boundaries, signals to stop, and any concerns either of you might have.
Limitations and Risks: Urethral sounding is not recommended for individuals with urinary tract infections, recent surgeries, or any other medical conditions affecting the genital area. If you have concerns, consult a medical professional before attempting urethral sounding.
Aftercare and Follow-up
After your urethral sounding session, take time for proper aftercare. Urinate to help flush out any potential bacteria that might have entered the urethra during the session. Clean your tools thoroughly using sterilization methods, and store them in a clean, dry place.
Explore all our sounding toys here!
Conclusion
Urethral sounding can be an intriguing and pleasurable aspect of sexual exploration, but it requires meticulous attention to safety and hygiene. By using the right tools, prioritizing communication, and following proper techniques, individuals and couples can embark on this journey with confidence. Remember, your comfort, safety, and enjoyment should always be the top priorities. If you're new to urethral sounding, consider seeking guidance from experts or professionals in the field to ensure a positive and fulfilling experience.
]]>Lovense has arrived at Wild Flower and we’re so excited to carry some of the most innovative toys and sex tech in the pleasure industry! Known for their creative designs and feature packed bluetooth app, Lovense makes pleasure more accessible no matter what sensation you crave, what area of your body you wish to stimulate, or even where you are in the world!
Since releasing the world's first internet controlled vibrator in 2010, Lovense has connected lovers all across the world by enhancing connection through their unique bluetooth app that can sync with music, work with camming sites, and enables the ultimate discreet playtime.
Flexer can take your discreet play to a completely new level! The Lovense Flexer is a wearable, lightweight vibe, complete with come hither movements and 3 motors to to massage all the right spots. Almost silent and able to be controlled via an app, this toy is the ultimate discreet, yet satisfying vibe.
Gemini Vibrating Nipple Clamps
Head into Gemini season with the world's first app-controlled adjustable vibrating nipple clamps. Feel maximum pleasure by controlling the pinch strength and vibration intensity of the two motors, from weak to super-powerful. Carry Gemini around your neck or clip them on your bra. Go out and have fun with hands-free play!
Pair this wildly powerful and rumbly wand with its attachments for even more variety. This wand has it all; smaller size, ultra quiet, powerful but won’t vibrate your hand, bluetooth app with amazing features! Plus with the various prostate / penis stroker or textured g-spot attachments, this wand can become an internal toy with lots of variety to explore.
The most recognizable vibe from the Lovense line, the improved Lush Egg is the ultimate for hands-free, wearable play, complete with app control. Lush 3’s motor puts pressure directly on the G-Spot and the strong vibes are felt in entire vaginal area. Plus this extremely quiet toy allows you to use it anywhere, anytime!
]]>
Are you curious about exploring your dominant side but don’t know where to start? If you’re not naturally inclined to be a top, it can seem like a big task to incorporate more Dom behavior into the bedroom. However, it’s not such a huge task when you break down the steps to becoming a successful dominate in the bedroom.
Understand the true dynamic at play.
What many dominant newbies struggle to understand is the true dynamic of BDSM or kink play that includes a Dom and a sub. Naturally it might seem that the dominant makes all the rules and the subordinate simply has to do or endure every one of these rules. However, the sub is really the one in charge since they are the ones creating the boundaries in which the Dom gets to play. While the Dom may be the one doing to actions, it is the sub who has the final say via consent if the action happens or not.
Define your boundary pen.
Keeping this Dom/sub understanding in mind, it’s time to make your boundary pen in which you get to play in. A boundary pen is simply a set of limits that a sub has that are non-negotiable. Boundaries are key to any enjoyable and consensual sexual interaction, but they are even more vital within kink play. If you don’t know where to start, consider asking some of the following questions. What actions and activities are they no willing to explore? What is their pain or humiliation limits? What kind of kink play is a no-go? On the other end of the spectrum, ask your partner what they would like to try, what their preferences are, and what excites them. Use this information as a guide for kink play.
Work with your strengths.
Next consider your strengths or the areas that you feel most comfortable enhancing during your dominant play. What things are you most comfortable doing in the bedroom? Are there aspects of kink play that feel exciting to you? Has your partner requested something specific while you top them? Do you want to explore the psychological elements for dom/sub dynamic or more of the physical ones? These are all things to consider as you work out how to enhance and explore your dominate side. If you have no idea where to start with any kind of dominate activities, consider grabbing one of the books below for some inspiration.
Small adjustments make a big impact.
You don’t have to turn into a different self to explore your dominant side. Instead focus on smaller, more manageable adjustments that feel more authentic and therefore, allow you to top with confidence. You don’t need to transform into a new person, instead focus one of those strengths you identified earlier. Here are a list of small adjustments that might feel good to you:
Allow toys and tools to help you
Another simple way to get into a dominate mindset is to gear yourself up with toys and tools that make you feel confident and in charge. This could mean getting dressed in lingerie or harnesses that give your a kinky feel or having the same picked out for your partner, demanding they dress up for you. Maybe there is a particular activity (like spanking) that could be enhanced with a certain tool (like a paddle). Even more common sex toys like a magic wand can be used as a kink tool to tease and stimulate with. There are even BDSM sets that come with all the kink toys you could want to make exploring easy.
Remember Aftercare
On of the most important aspects of being dominant that is often overlooked is aftercare. Aftercare is the set of personalized actives or exercises that you do to ensure that everyone involved in the kink play feels good afterwards. Kink play can not only be physically demanding, but also emotional, especially for people subbing, so as a dominant it’s important to employee aftercare effectively. While everyone needs different things to help them regulate after intense sensations, here are some ideas on how you can support your partner after kink play:
Need more information? Check out these kinky reads:
]]>
The Tenga Flex has been one of our most popular strokers for some time and now there’s new styles and colors, including this Fizzy Green version. What makes the flex so great is its ability to create suction through its spiraling case design. You can cover the hole at the end to increase the sensation by adding suction.
Some other cool features of the Tenga Flex, the cap actually doubles as a drying stand and the squishy internal core is covered with different textures to create unique sensations on each part of your member. The sleeve is extremely stretchy too, making it great to accommodate a range of sizes and shapes.
The Unihorns are the cutest way to get to climax! These adorable vibes all have vibration paired with a unique feature depending on the color. The blue Mount n' Peak Unihorn has a deliciously swirling tongue, the pink Heart Throb Unihorn has a pulsing mouth, and the yellow Bean Blossom Unihorn flickering tongue.
Complete with all the great sex toy features like waterproof design, magnetic charging, and quiet vibrations, these are the perfect sex toys for those who want to bring a little bit of magic into their playtime.
While still not as mainstream as other sex toy designs, pumps are finally getting their dues for being fun as well as functional. The Scioness pairs the sucking power of a pump with vibration to deliver ultimate pleasure. Pumps are especially great for people who struggle with arousal since they mimic the bodies’ natural arousal response by encourage blood flow to the genitals and heightening sensation.
Simple put, are you ready to be sucked and licked to heaven? Well, the Scioness is ready to do all the hard work so you don’t have to!
Part thrusting toy, part dildo, the Alger will stretch its way into all your special places while offering a squishy silicone texture and intense vibration. Made from a soft yet textured silicone, the Alger as all the makings of the best suction cup dildo, with the added benefit of being an amazing thrusting toy too!
Faster and more powerful than most thrusting toys, the Alger is able to deliver penetration and deep vibration at any angle while also being an incredibly comfortable insertable toy.
Since its creation almost 4 years ago, our award winning toy Enby has continued to be a best seller and a sex toy favorite. This toy was created from requests by our customers and we’re now in our second iteration on Enby.
If you’re not familiar with Enby, it can be used by any body. One main use is humping and grinding for vulva owners. The ridges on the back help to hold it in place but also add sensation when it’s used as a penis sleeve by curling the wings.
And it can also be used tucked into your harness or underwear, with the help of its flexible tip. The thin shape means it can be slipped between bodies or sat on. Plus it has an easy one button function and magnetic waterproof charging. Enby is truly a toy for everyone!
]]>
Masturbation is a natural and healthy way to pleasure yourself, and for vulva owners there are plenty of options to explore. Humping and grinding are two popular masturbation styles that offer a unique and pleasurable experience. In this blog post, we’ll discuss the appeal of humping and grinding as a masturbation style for vulva owners, as well as recommend some of our favorite humping and grinding toys.
Humping and grinding are two forms of masturbation that involve rhythmically moving the body against a surface or object in order to stimulate the clitoris, labia, and other external erogenous zones. This type of stimulation is often described as pleasurable and deeply satisfying. It can be done with or without a partner and can be used to explore different types of sensation and pleasure.
The appeal of humping and grinding as a masturbation style for vulva owners lies in its ability to provide clitoral stimulation with or without direct contact, while also being able to control the pressure of play using your own body weight. This can be beneficial for those with sensitive clitorises, as it allows the clitoris to be indirectly stimulated without direct touch and alternatively for those who enjoy extra stimulation and pressure. Additionally, many vulva owners first explore self-pleasure via humping and grinding and it’s a completely normal and valid was to continue to enjoy stimulation into adulthood.
Now that you know more about the appeal of humping and grinding as a masturbation style for vulva owners, let’s take a look at some of our favorite humping and grinding toys.
The first humping and grinding sex toy we recommend is the Wild Flower Enby. This toy is designed to provide both clitoral stimulation via humping and grinding against the body of the toy and is powered by a powerful motor with many functions to explore. It also has a unique design that allows you to use it in various positions, making it perfect for those who enjoy grinding but can also be used tucked into a harness, as a shared vibe during partnered sex, or wrapped to become a penis stroker.
The second humping and grinding toy we recommend is the Deia Arouser. This toy is designed with a unique shape that allows for both grinding and tapping, making it perfect for those who a little extra stimulation. It also features a powerful motor and is made from body-safe silicone, making it perfect for those who want a safe and pleasurable experience.
The third humping and grinding toy we recommend is the VibePad 2. This toy is designed to provide a unique ridable experience, allowing you to move around and grind on it for a uniquely pleasurable sensation. It’s also made from body-safe silicone and features a powerful motor, making it perfect for those who want a safe and satisfying experience. Place it on a chair, bed, pillow, or even your partner's thigh.
The fourth humping and grinding toy we recommend is the Honeybunch. This toy is perfect for those who want to explore a variety of sensations. Marketed as a stimulating cover that can be used on the back of a dildo within a harness, this toy can be used solo for external fun. It’s also made from body-safe silicone and features a small pocket to insert a bullet vibe if you’d like.
The fifth and final humping and grinding toy we recommend is the Romp Wave. This toy is designed with a unique shape that allows for both grinding and putting into underwear, making it very versatile. It’s also made from body-safe silicone and being on the more affordable side, the Romp Wave would be a great place for beginners to start.
We hope this blog post has given you an insight into humping and grinding as a masturbation style for vulva owners, as well as introduced you to some of our favorite humping and grinding toys. If you’re looking for a unique and pleasurable experience, be sure to check out the Wild Flower Enby 2, Deia Arouser, Vibe Pad 2, Honeybunch, and Romp Wave.
]]>With sex toys becoming more commonplace and the different types of toys available becoming more diverse and inclusive, you might be considering buying your first sex toy. But where do you start? In this article, we’ll help break down the different styles of sex toys out there and help guide you in purchasing your first sex toy.
First off, where to buy a toy. The days of dingy, poorly-lit stores off the side of the freeway is over. As the sex toy market comes out of the shadows, many stores have adopted a welcoming and comfortable environment. Stores focused on education and toy safety are leading the industry, including many online stores focusing on inclusivity, just like Wild Flower. Since shopping for a sex toy can be such an intimate and vulnerable thing, you want the place you purchase your toys to be supportive and non-intimidating. If the idea of going to a physical space feels overwhelming, shop from the comfort of your own home!
Before you dive into all of the product categories, it’s best to consider what feels good in your body. There isn't a one size fits all, sex toys for beginners so it's vital to find something that work specifically for you. Think about the ways you enjoy touching yourself or being touched by others; what areas of the body do you like to be stimulated and how? This will help you decide what kind of toy is best for you. For example, if you’re a vulva / vagina owner and love how oral feels, an air-pressure or suction vibes might be right for you. If you’re a penis owner who enjoys prostate stimulation, a vibrating butt plug would be a great first time toy. If you’re finding it difficult to decide on one types of toy, consider a multi-functional vibrator or one made for every body like the Wild Flower Enby.
At this point, it’s time to start browsing! Take your time, looking through different products that catch your attention and doing extra research when needed. Take your time; this is not a process you have to rush! Some basic categories to consider could be:
-Internal toys and vibrators like dildos, thrusting toys, and vibrating dildos that can be used vaginally for stimulate the g-spot or sometimes anally.
-External toys that can be used on the vulva and clitoris, including smaller options like bullet vibrators and larger, powerful wands styles.
-Air pressure and suction toys designed to work externally to imitate the sensations of oral sex.
-Butt plugs and vibrators designed for anal play and/or to stimulate the prostate.
-Rabbits and multi-functional toys designed to stimulate multiple erogenous zones at once.
-Penis sleeves and strokers
-Couples and shareable toys that can be used for pleasuring both partners at once. This includes cock rings, easy to hold vibe, and wearable vibrators.
Consider any features that are important to you as you shop for your new sex toy. Do you want it to be waterproof? Quiet? With a remote? Keep in mind that the more features your toy has, the higher the price tends to be.
This is also a great time to consider the materials of your sex toy. Different materials have different qualities, and since sex toys are FDA regulated, it’s important to make sure that you’re buying a body-safe toy for your first sex toy purchase. Body-safe sex toy materials include:
There are also toys made from softer materials like TPE or TPR, but since these are porous, they cannot be 100% disinfected between use. If you want a toy made of these materials, its best to use it solo or with a partner that you are fluid bonded with.
Once you’ve made your decision about what your first sex toy should be, don’t forget the lube! Reducing friction makes sex and masturbation feel more pleasurable and areas like the butt are not self-lubricating, so you’ll need to add some extra lubrication before your play. Make sure your lube is compatible with your sex toy (a quick tip is to opt for water based or hybrid options with silicone toys as silicone lube can ruin a silicone toy).
Now what just left is for you to enjoy your new sex toy purchase! Even if you decide you want to explore something different after your first experience, the more knowledge that you can gather about what you prefer (or don’t prefer), the better! Here are our go-to first time sex toy picks:
The first toy designed to be used by any body, the Wild Flower Enby has been a hit with sex toy newbies for the last 4 years since its introduction. Designed to be rubbed against, tucked into a harness or underwear, or wrapped to make a penis sleeve, the Enby 2 is truly for everyone.
A powerful bullet design that comes with its own discreet charging case, the Femme Funn Booster Bullet can be used all over the body to bring you pleasure,
The Taffy Puller is an open-ended sleeve, great for solo masturbation sessions or as an assistive toy to oral sex.
The Magic Wand (previously known as the Hitachi Wand) is a sex toy classic and this smaller version acts as the perfect introduction to wand style toys for sex toy newbies.
If you’re new to booty play, the best place to start is with an anal plug kit that allows you to explore a few different sizes to find the perfect fit for you.
If a rabbit toy is calling your name, the Slimline is an ideal first time toy delivering dual stimulation without being too large.
]]>When it comes to sex toys, there’s no shortage of options. One of the newer and more unique additions to the market are strapless strap-on dildos. These unique sex toys allow you to enjoy all the pleasure of strap-on sex without having to deal with the hassle of straps and harnesses. If you’re looking for an exciting way to add variety to your sex life, a strapless strap-on can be the perfect choice.
But how do strapless strap-on dildos actually work? In this article, we’ll take a look at how they work, the advantages they offer, and some of the best strapless strap-on dildos currently on the market.
Strapless strap-on dildos are designed to be worn without the use of a harness or straps. Instead, they’re designed to be held in place by the wearer’s pelvic muscles. This is where the “strapless” part comes in. The dildo is designed to fit snugly and securely against the user’s body, providing a comfortable and pleasurable experience. Typically a strapless strap on will be worn vaginally but they can be worn anally too.
As far as pleasure is concerned, strapless strap-ons can be used in a variety of ways. One user can penetrate another with the dildo, making it the perfect choice for couples looking for new ways to explore their bodies in new ways together. It can also be used for solo play. The wearer enjoy the internal element of the toy for their own pleasure, use that same internal arm as a handle for the toy, or find bodily affirmation by having their own wearable member.
The advantages of strapless strap-on dildos are numerous. First and foremost, they’re comfortable to wear for folks who are annoyed by the traditional set up of strapping on a toy. The lack of straps and harnesses makes them more comfortable than traditional strap-on dildos for those people. They’re also more versatile and can be used for a variety of different activities. Finally, they’re incredibly easy to use. Even those who have never used a strap-on before will be able to get the hang of using a strapless strap-on quickly and easily.
There can be some disadvantages for certain users however. For some people with less pelvic floor strength, holding a strapless strap on in your body in certain positions can be difficult. If this is the case, lying on your back and working with gravity may help. There are also lighter toys on the market. Strapless toy that don’t have extra features like the ability to vibrate tend to be lighter. If you’re the kind of person that enjoys the stimulation offered by a Strapless Strap on with it’s ability to be worn internally, but care about not having straps, you can actually wear these toys with a harness to hold them in place. While this might make the name “Strapless Strap On” seem confusing, many folks ulitize these toys in this way. Opt for harness with an open-back, meaning that the O-ring that hold the toy is accessible from both sides.
If you’re looking for a strapless strap-on dildo, there are plenty of great options available on the market. Here are four of the best strapless strap-ons currently available:
The Strap On Me Multi-Orgasm Bendable Strapless Strap-On is one of the most popular strapless strap-on dildos available because of it’s many features. This dildo is designed to provide intense pleasure as it is curved, flexible, and can offer some serious vibrating power. This allows it to reach different spots and angles, making it perfect for both solo and partner play. Plus, the toy comes with a remote and a flickering tongue to stimulate the wearer.
The Fun Factory Share Lite is a strapless strap-on that can be used with or without a harness for extra support. This dildo is designed to be shared between partners, making it the perfect choice for couples looking to explore new sensations. The Share Lite is a newer version of Fun Factory’s classic design, the first Strapless toy available. This lighter version allows for folks with less level floor strength to hold to toy in place during use.
The Kelpie Squirting Strapless Strap-On is a unique dildo that features a built-in squirting mechanism. This allows the user to experience the unique sensation of ejaculating while using the dildo. It’s perfect for those who are looking to add a new level of intensity to their sex lives.
Finally, the Heroine Thong Harness is a thong-style harness with an open backed design. This harness provides extra support and stability, making it perfect for those who need a little bit of extra help keeping the dildo in place.
Whether you’re looking for a strapless strap-on for solo play or partner play, there’s sure to be a dildo that fits your needs. Strapless strap-ons are an exciting way to add variety to your sex life and explore new sensations. With so many great options available on the market, you’re sure to find a strapless strap-on that’s perfect for you.
]]>
We asked you what your sexual and wellness goals were for 2022 on our Instagram @WildFlowerSex and you did not disappoint! Check out the amazing list below for some inspiration on what you might want to explore in the new year.
Lots of you wanted to improve sexual communication of some kind
Many spoke of enhancing the relationship with you have with yourself
Some fo you wanted to improving your relationship with others
Many of you spoke about exploring your sexualities by trying something new or navigating new experiences
There was lots of talk about healing, psychically and mentally
And some people keep it simple
Why should you be reading about sex? Sex education books and sex positive books can help to give you the insight that incomplete sex education, chatting with friends, and your past sexual experiences are lacking. Most of us have questions about sex and relationships, yet don’t know where the most accurate and helpful information can be found. Turn to a book! Written by experts, doctors, or the more experienced, reading about sex can offer you valuable insights and tangible tips to enhance your sex life. Here are our favorite books on sex:
Ever wonder about what being poly is like? Looking to open up your current relationship? The Ethical Slut is the essential guide for anyone who wants to explore non-monogamy, or for those for are simply curious are what it entails. Currently in it’s 3rd edition, The Ethical Slut is a classic in the category of sex positive books that not only introduces you to the world of non-monogamy, it breaks down real-life obstacles and struggles like jealousy, dating, and sexual safety.
Lack of self-esteem can affect every area of our lives, including partnered sex, solo pleasure, and our romantic relationships. Can you imagine how much better your life might be without all that negative self-talk? Filled with beautiful graphics, insightful prompts, and helpful exercises, Body Talk is offer tangible advice and steps to overcoming self-shame and help move you to a place of self-love.
Masturbation can be a great way to explore your sexuality, build a confident body image, and learn about your sexual preferences. But how do you start masturbating if you’ve never tried it? What if body-image (or more specifically genital-image) is holding you back? Despite being an act of self-care and self-exploration, many of us hold only to the notions that masturbation is taboo. In Sex for One, legendary sex expert Betty Dodson (RIP) will help to overcome any shame to make way for for deep self exploration. Plus there are some amazing erotic drawings included by Betty herself.
No matter if you’re a vagina owner or not, you’ve probably had some questions about how the V works. With The V Book, you will learn everything you need to know about the basics of vulvovaginal health and as a result, your overall health. Learn about how periods work, what pregnancy is like, what actually happens during arousal, and what the difference is between a vagina and vulva. Packed with great anatomy pictures, helpful tips, and useful information, The V Book is everything you need to know about vaginas in one easy to understand guide.
Do you know how your penis truly works? The Penis book is an unflinching, comprehensive guide to all things dick : everything from sexually transmitted infections to penis variation, the science of blood flow to erectile dysfunction. Featuring an easy-to-follow plan for optimum penis health, including dietary recommendations, information on some penis-healthy foods, and suggested exercises for penis wellbeing. Your guide to a healthy and happy penis, for penis owners and penis appreciators alike!
Many of us who were left with insecurities and questions about sex as an adult can attribute it to lack of comprehensive sexual health information during our teen years. This is the book all of us needed in our adolescent years! S.E.X offers clear advice and give the essentials of what a young person needs and wants to know about sex—no shame, no judgement, just comprehensive and accurate info in a clear, straightforward language. S.E.X covers everything a teen could have questions about, including anatomy, identity, relationships, communication, consent, safety, and more. Ideal for gifting to a teen, this book is also helpful for parents and caregivers too.
Why do our bodies sometimes react differently than our brains? If you’ve ever experienced being turned on mentally yet not getting wet or suddenly having a boner out of the blue, Come As You Are is the must-read sex book for you. An essential exploration of why and how sexuality works—based on groundbreaking research and brain science, Come As You Are explores the link between sex and stress, mood, trust, and body image to help you transform your sex life into one filled with confidence and joy.
Are you curious about kink or want to get started in BDSM but don’t know where to turn? Whether you are just curious about kinky sex, an experienced BDSM player, or interested in exploring your own erotic edges, he Ultimate Guide to Kink features the expertise of renowned educators writing passionately on their favorite subjects. Learn about bondage, spanking, flogging, sensation play, rough sex, dominance, submission, and more from people who truly know what they’re talking about!
The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability - From comprehensive sex ed basics to the ins and outs of pleasure and kink, this book is a must read for anyone having or planning to have sex! For everyone, of all ages, genders, and sexual identities, The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability covers the span of disabilities – from chronic fatigue and back pain to spinal cord injury, multiple sclerosis, cystic fibrosis, cerebral palsy, and many others.
Healing Painful Sex - Millions of people with vaginas experience painful sex, yet it is frequently ignored or misdiagnosed. In Healing Painful Sex, Deborah Coady, MD and Nancy Fish use their combined professional expertise as a doctor and therapist to provide us with an understanding of why painful sex happens, its many causes and possible treatment options, from both a physical and psychological perspective.
How to be Knotty: The Essential Guide to Modern Rope Bondage - Intended for those who have a little or no experience with rope bondage (sometimes referred to a Shibari), How to be Knotty is the best place to start with erotic rope tying. With easy-to-understand and step-by-step techniques, this books is easy to follow and fun to explore. Complete with phenomenal full-color photos will show you how to achieve over 20 ties and offer a little sexy inspiration during.
Pleasure Activism - Let Adrienne Maree Brown introduce you to the idea of “pleasure activism" and the notion that healing the world does not have to be devoid of pleasure itself. Combining personal reflection, interviews, and work from legendary feminist figures, Adrienne Maree Brown invites to ask questions about how pleasure can play an invaluable elements in our daily lives. Drawing on black feminist traditions, she challenges us to rethink the "rules" of activism as we know them.
Can’t get enough? Check out our other books on sex and intimacy to find some more sex positive and educational books.
]]>
Why Can I Only Orgasm from Sex Toys?
Having different sensational preferences and needs are what makes us sexually unique - no two people are going to reach orgasm in the exact same ways. Sex toys can help met our stimulatory needs when fingers and hands aren’t quite enough to get you there. Many vagina owners may ask “Why can’t I orgasm during sex?”. The thing is, most people with vaginas require some form of external clitoral stimulation to climax - PIV (penis in vagina) penetration isn’t a reliable way for people without penises to orgasm. People who have limited or inhabited sensation due to conditions or medications (like SSRIs) may find that they’re experiencing loss of sensation or arousal response. This is where sex toys and vibrators can assist with that added sensation to help reach climax and help with folks who wonder “why can’t I orgasm during sex?”
There can be debates on if orgasming using a toy is “natural” or not, however most of these ideas are linked to sex negative ideas about sexual pleasure and vibrators. We don’t ask if wearing shoes is natural for our feet, or if using a knife and fork is a “natural” way to eat! It’s not unusual to use or need a sex toy to reach orgasm - many people use sex toy and shouldn’t feel shameful for it. Additionally, if your partner uses or needs a sex toy to reach climax, this again, isn’t something to be worried about. Sex toys don’t replace partners and can in fact bring more satisfaction to partnered sex, as demonstrated in many studies.
The Beauty of the Sex Toy Orgasm
While orgasms don’t have to be the only goal of self and shared pleasure, many people seek the sensations of climax during their sexual play. And why wouldn’t they? Orgasms can feel amazing and have been linked to all kinds of physiological and psychological health benefits. For some people, sex toys can mean accessibility to this type of pleasure. Most of us aren’t taught how our bodies work and how to explore pleasure. For many folks, mostly vagina owners, vibrators and stimulating toys make reaching climax accessible in ways that previously weren’t. A toy orgasm isn’t doing anything different to your body than a regular orgasm - the processes is still the same. Vibrators allow folks to explore pleasure in an easier way - many people report that their orgasms from sex toys are “more reliable”, “quicker”, and “stronger”.
Incorporating Sex Toys into Sex
Introducing sex toys can do wonders for the quality of your sex life but sometimes it isn’t as easy as buying a toy and putting it on your body to find immediate success. Many of us carry shame with the idea of using a sex toy and create stories about what that says about us. Some of us consider that the use of sex toys suggests that our bodies are broken, our partnered sex is flawed, or that we are lacking in some way. Instead of looking at sex toys as compliments, like shoes to feet or silverware to a meal, we instead cling to these harmful narratives that almost always enhance our feelings of sexual shame. It’s simple — if you associate an object with shame, you will experience shame when you interact with it.
Furthermore, if you’re exploring new things, your toy may not work for you perfectly the first try. It may take a few attempts before you find the right positions, maneuvers, lubes, or settings that are ideal for you.
That’s why creating positive relationships and associations with your sex toys is important. If you’re wanting to introduce sex toys into partnered sex, make it a fun activity to shop together for something you both feel comfortable and excited about. Be proud of your toys! Be mindful about how you handle and treat them. Consider displaying your toys in your bedroom instead of hiding them at the bottom of a drawer. Take pride in washing and caring for them. Use them with confidence and compassion, knowing that they are supporting your sexual pleasure, not dominating it in any way.
Find Your Best Sex Toy
Now that you know that orgasming only from sex toys is normal and not unusual, check out our customer’s favorite vibrators and find your best sex toy for an orgasm.
]]>There is lots of misinformation and myths about sex and masturbation out there, one of them being that masturbation can ruin your sex drive or harm you in any way. This outdated thinking that touching ourselves is shameful can stop us from enjoying the benefits of self-pleasure. Masturbation isn’t just healthy, it can also increase sex drive.
In fact, a little self-pleasure will most likely increase your overall sex drive and your desire for sex. How does masturbation increase libido? Various studies have concluded that masturbating can help you maintain a healthy sex drive and frequent vibrator use has been linked to “a high sex drive and positive sexual function, as well as general sexual wellness”. It is suggested that by accessing your orgasm often, it becomes more reliable and more pleasurable as you figure out what your sensation preferences are.
Your sexual desire should not be viewed as something that has a limit or can be depleted like slices of a pie. Sure, most people experience a refractory period after an orgasm where they need a physical break from sexual stimulation and reaching orgasm can make us feel sexual satisfied for a while. But you do not have a climax quota - there isn’t a set number of orgasms that you are allowed to have within a certain time period. This limited way of thinking about our sexuality can inhibit us from exploring self-pleasure and partnered pleasure in ways we desire to.
For some people, masturbation and self-pleasure within a relationship brings up huge insecurities. Some see self-pleasure is a kind of cheating. Others may feel that if their partner has personal desires and fantasies that aren’t solely of them, that diminishes the shared attraction. Others many simple feel that once you are in a relationship, you “own”, “dictate”, or are “responsible” for your partner’s pleasure 100% of the time. All of these notions can be really harmful to the overall health of your relationship as they place personal insecurities above your partner’s (and your) pleasure.
It’s understandable why some of us have these attitudes. We are taught that masturbation and partnered sex are competing activities. We are also taught that partnered sex is more desirable, credible, or considered “real sex”, compared to solo sex (being solo in general is not celebrated in our culture). These ideas are replicated throughout society even in the most liberal circles. In the sexual industries, the harmful narrative of “Why get a partner when you have you can have a toy?” is repackaged and reused constantly. Furthermore, some people believe partnered sex or sex without toys is more “natural” (whatever that means).
There is so much to unpack here yet all of it can be simplified if we understand the notion that masturbation and partnered sex are not rival acts. Instead varied sexual activities can compliment one another. Masturbation is self-care - it’s an intimate moment with only you where you focus on your pleasure and expand your understanding of yourself. Partnered sex is an activity between two or more people - a way of connecting and experiencing pleasure with others. Often, these differing sexual experiences can actually enhance one another. Masturbation and partnered sex can be harmonious within a relationship if only we let go of our ideas that put these two separate acts at odds with one another.
There are many reasons to masturbate. Getting in the habit of bringing yourself to climax will help you understand how you access pleasure, what kind of stimulation works for you, and, therefore, you’ll be able to explain that to your lover during partnered sex. It can also be a great way to find balance within a relationship when you have a different libido than your partner.
Another great consequence of masturbation is a boost in self-esteem. Masturbation causes your body to release a number of hormones including dopamine, endorphins, oxytocin, testosterone, and prolactin. These hormones can positively affect your mood and physical health in a variety of ways. Frequent masturbation has been linked to better immune function, heightened focus and concentration, reduced blood pressure, and lowered cortisol levels (cortisol is a hormone associated with stress). Masturbating can also be a way of practicing self-love, getting to know your body better , and spending quality time on your own, focused on you.
What does this all add up to? A happier and healthier you!
You may be wondering how much masturbation is too much? What is considered normal can be subjective, yet the general consensus is that if masturbation is enhancing and not harming then it’s ok. We all have different sex drives and we may experience a loss of sex drive from time to time, especially during physiologically and/or psychologically stressful times. It’s important to remember that it’s totally okay not to masturbate, if you don’t want to. This is a personal choice and desire, not about adhering to any standard that doesn’t feel right to you.
Masturbation may become an issue when it starts to inhibit other areas of your life. For example, if you find that self-pleasure is affecting your relationships, your ability to attend to your responsibilities and commitments, or consumes most of your free time, it may be beneficial to seek help in the form of a mental health professional.
The most common issues that arise within relationships regarding masturbation habits are when a partner positions masturbation as competition to partnered sex (see above) or feels sexually unfulfilled and blames self-pleasure habits. This is why it’s so important to establish proper communication in your relationship - let your partner know what you need to feel sexually fulfilled and when you’re not feeling desired.
Now that you know a healthy amount of masturbation can increase your sex drive, check out our best-selling masturbation toys for vaginas and penises.
]]>Sure, sex toys can be a great way of reaching climax and experiencing pleasure when a partner isn’t there, but there are so many other ways to use toys and tools in relationships too. Some people use toys as a method of exploration with their partners. Others use toys to help with dysphoria. Toys can be the gateway to discovering your orgasm with a partner or a tool for when sexual dysfunctions arise.
A toy will never be able to replace the intimacy you can experience with a human and that’s ok! Sex toys are not meant to replace — they are meant to compliment.
Many people internalize the idea that using sex toys is a sign that something is lacking in their sex life and therefore, bringing up the idea to introduce sex toys is in some way attacking their partner’s sexual performance. This notion is reinforced by old ideas like referring to sex toys as marital aids, and newer notions, like when toys are marketed as replacements for partners. Furthermore, many of us aren’t taught how to talk about sex or communicate our sexual wants or needs.
As a method of breaking the stigma around sex toys, we need to stop positioning them as competition.
One of the things that most people crave within a sexual relationship is variety and sex toys can offer at that. At the beginning of a relationship, your partner is the element that is new and different, yet as time passes and intimacy builds, creating newness takes effort. Sex toys offer new ways of exploring pleasure together and inject a little excitement back into your shared sex life.
Sex toys can also make orgasms easier and more consistent. Many people struggle to reach climate with a partner, especially if sex is concentrated to PIV penetration. Sex toys can make shared sex more pleasurable for everyone involved.
When reconsidered, sex toys actually do not replace a parter but can enhance your relationship with your partner instead.
Surprising a partner with a sex toy in the bedroom a big no-no. Unless you have a partner who you know loves surprises like that, introducing something new without first discussing can leave people feeling anxious and pressured.
Instead have a conversation outside of the bedroom. Don’t start the conversation with shame or excuses. There is nothing wrong with using sex toys and coming to the conversation with positivity will help your partner do the same. The best way for people to suggest using toys to a partner is coming from a place of exploration - suggesting a new way to explore pleasure enables more fun and excitement in your sex life.
Not only are sex toys a simple way to enhance your sex life, there are many toys out there designed specifically for partnered use. When deciding on a new sex toy, you’re looking for the best toy for you and your partner. Discuss what sensations you want to explore and in what ways you want to use the toy (during penetration, or maybe during mutual masturbation, for example). Consider your budget and ensure that you’re investing in a body-safe toy that is easy to use and care for.
Shopping for sex toys together can also be a fun date night idea. The excitement of looking at options, and the anticipation for it to arrive in the mail makes it all the better.
So, what are the best sex toys for couples? Here are some of our favorite sex toys for partners.
We-Vibe Chorus is the most intuitive couples vibrator yet. The classic and popular We-Vibe shape has new squeeze guided control, allowing the couple to stay in the moment and increase the vibration by simple squeezing the remote. It is shaped to wear during sex with powerful vibrations that will stimulate the G-spot.
The Diva Open-Back Lingerie Harness by Strap On Me allows you to explore harness play in a sexy yet comfortable way. Sometimes referred to as "pegging", harness play requires a snug and secure fitting harness just like this one. The Diva Harness is made from skin-hugging model cotton with a stretchy elastic waistband - perfect for accommodating your curves.
Panty vibrators like the Satisfyer Sexy Secret Panty Vibrator can be a fun addition to partnered play, especially for couples who might enjoy some discreet exhibitionism.
Always keep in mind, while there are recommendations on how to use certain sex toys, ultimately you’re exploring and finding ways that toys can work for you. As long as you’re playing safely (like only using flared based toys for anal play, for example), you get to make the rules on what sex toys are best for you and your partner! Having an open mindset will help you stay away from being overly concerning if you’re doing things “right”. If it feels good, then that’s right for you!
To further enhance your sexual relationship with your partner, check out our how-to-guide for developing better communication during sex
]]>A vital part of having an enjoyable sex toy experience is being confident in the products you're using. At Wild Flower, we prioritize using safe materials for sex toys. Learn which materials to avoid in sex toys, and pleasure yourself or your partner knowing that you are using body safe sex toys.
For years, PVC, also know as "jelly rubber" was one of the most common sex toy materials on the market because of its low price and assortment of colors. However jelly rubber was found to contain phthalates; chemicals used to soften plastics that may be harmful to your body. They are also split with materials like latex to achieve a gloss, which makes me hard to identify for people with allergies. Jelly rubber is porous, not allowing it be be sterilized 100%. At Wild Flower, we do not carry any jelly rubber toys and advise against their use. However if you find yourself about to play with a toy made from Jelly rubber, we recommend using a condom or protect barrier to help keep you safe and a water based lube to protect the texture of your toy.
When it comes to hard material toys, Glass is often a favorite because of its diversity in colors and shapes. Glass toys are often made out of super safe, medical grade glass, called borosilicate glass. This type of glass is very similar to Pyrex dish wear and is extremely strong. Their non porous nature allow them to be sterilized between every use and washed very easily. They are safe to use with any lube and it’s smooth, polished surface allow it to be inserted into the body with ease. Glass toys also retain heat and cool, allowing for fun with temperature play. However if you’re looking for a toy to contour to your body, this hard material may not be the one for you. Be careful to check your toy for cracks or chips between playtimes and keep them stored in a safe place.
No.84 & No.83 Hand Blown Glass Vibrating Butt Plugs
Silicone toys are some of the safest toys on the market. Silicone toys can either be solid material or a coated vibrator motor r hard plastic body. Almost any toy can be made from silicone from dildos to vibrators, butt plugs to nipple suckers, and there is an impressive array of colors and shapes available. Because of its density, silicone carries powerful vibrations and it great for penetration. It also slowly retains heat so it able to warm to your body's natural temperature during play.
Medical grade silicones or food grade silicones most commonly used in toys are nonporous, stopping bacteria from retaining and spreading on the toy itself. They are also easy to clean and maintain. Wash in warm water with a mild soap, place on the top rack of your dishwasher without detergent or boil in water for a few minutes (only if it's not a motorized toy. Don’t worry about burning or melting your toy, silicone can withstand temperatures up to 300 degrees celsius.
When playing with a silicone toy, it's best to use a water-based lubricant. Silicone lubes can cause damage to them, affecting the texture and strength of your toy. Lint and dust are attracted to the surface of silicone toys so store in a soft, low lint cloth bag.
Addiction Glow in the Dark Silicone Dildo
A favorite at Wild Flower, this stainless steel is non porous, allowing it be super hygienic and easily cleaned. The natural weight of stainless steel can be a fun sensation with insertable toys as well as its ability to retain temperature. You can use any lube your prefer with stainless steel toys allowing their smooth surface you please your goodies. Stainless steel toys are safe to store with other toys and are not easily damaged. A stainless steel toy with certainly last you a long time!
Njoy is the most trusted names in steel sex toys.
To learn more about materials used in sex toys, check out our ultimate guide to all the materials that could be touching your goodies.
Differing sexual libidos is a common relationships problem, especially during long-term partnerships. However, with some effort and compromise, bridging the gap between your sexual desires can sometimes be achieved.
Before engaging in a conversation with your partner, it’s important to be aware of your own libido and how it may have changed over time. Sex drive is very fluid, going up and down throughout our lives due to changing circumstances. These fluctuations can depend on lifestyle factors like smoking, too much caffeine, stress, medication, changes in hormones, or general health.
It’s also important to ask yourself the hard questions. A low sex drive maybe related to some underlying relationship issues. Are you feeling attracted and loving towards to your partner? Are there any anger or mistrust issues that aren’t being discussed? Do you find yourself thinking about getting out of this relationship? There maybe issues far greater than mismatched libidos that needs to be addressed.
Your sex drive is your responsibility. Though you should never feel guilty or shameful about the amount of sex you want, it’s important to claim ownership over your libido. Don’t blame your sex drive, or lack of one, on your partner. Doing so will only make your partner defensive. In contrast, understand that if your partner has a lowered sexual libido, it’s probably nothing personal against you.
Have a conversation outside the bedroom to discuss the imbalances in your sex life. Approach from a place of understanding with a goal of the conversation being to find a compromise that works for both of you. Understand if your partner feels sexually satisfied and if all of their needs are being met. Here are 5 things to explore if you are experiencing a mismatch in libidos.
It is a common and harmful notion that desire should just occur spontaneously every time. While spontaneous sex may occur more frequently during the first few months of a relationship, long term partnerships need to put in the work to create arousal. Massages, taking a shower together, cooking a meal, and watching a sexy movie are all great ways to create responsive desire. This could also help broaden the range activities you both find sexual and make for some great foreplay.
Numerous surveys and studies have shown that sex toys can enhance libido. This is down to the fact that many people, mainly those with vaginas, don’t reach orgasm easily via penetrative sex. Maybe you or your partner aren’t achieving the climax you’re looking to achieve during the sex, therefore causing interest to decline. Introducing a sex toy shouldn’t be viewed as competition. Sex toys will be able to bridge the gap between you and your partner, making everyone happy.
There are many great couples toys on the market that are made to enhance the sex you are already having. Also ensure you’re using lubrication during sex to avoid any unnecessary pain or discomfort.
There may be situations when one partner is horny and another isn’t. Take the shame and embarrassment out of self pleasure by encouraging one another to masturbate during these times. Though it may not be the equivalent to partnered sex, it can provide sexual relief and avoid any resentment from building. Even if your partner is masturbating when you don’t feel sexual, you can still be part of the experience. Lying close to your partner, rubbing their thighs or nipples, or allowing them to view your naked body are all great ways to enhance your partner's experience.
If you are in a monogamous partnership, consider opening up the relationship or exploring being ‘monogamish’. There are so many ways to explore an open relationship, from playing with a third person together to being polyamorous, and the whole spectrum in between. Communication is a vital part to opening up as you consider the restrictions and circumstances you’re comfortable with and can prevent you from growing apart as you explore. Some people prefer not knowing about their partner's explorations, while others want to know every detail. Some prefer to know the person, while others prefer it to be anonymous or with a professional sex worker. Some couples have set date nights while others reserve these rendezvous for business trips or work travel.
Ask yourself what you would be comfortable with and continuously revisit your feelings on the situation. I would suggest both ‘The Ethical Slut’ and ‘Designer Relationships’ as further reading about opening up your relationship.
If you're familiar with the BDSM or kink communities, then you know how much planning goes into every play session. The who, what, when, how, and with what tools or toys are not something that can be left to surprise. This extra planning doesn’t detract from the fun, but does ensure everyone is having the fun they want to be having.
A common misconception is that great sex has to be spontaneous, but that simply isn’t true. In long term partnerships, it’s not uncommon for the spur of the moment activities to subside as real intimacy grows. The key to keeping or developing a satisfying sex life, perhaps, may be planning ahead. Planning sex is a great way to improve both quality and quantity of sex in a long term partnership.
Being busy seems like a way of life for some of us as work days get longer. Then there’s workouts, doctor appointments, and social engagements eagerly filling up our calendars. By the time the day is done, we just don’t have the energy to even think about sex. If this sounds like your situation, planning sex could be ideal for you. By slotting some sexy time in your calendars, sex becomes a priority again. It may seem unusual at first to see ‘sex’ on your to do list, but why not? We plan other enjoyable events like brunches or dinners with friends and just because they’re scheduled, it doesn’t make them any less fun.
We all have different sexual needs, and these needs are fluid and constantly evolving. Planning sex allows you the chance to discuss the kinds of sex you want, and renegotiate your sexual needs with your partner. How often would you like to have sex? Would you like to explore new and different ways of having sex? What kinds of sex are you yearning for?
Consent shouldn’t be reserved for first time hookups only. Consent is a fluid thing and boundaries change, evolve, and break down over time. Despite this constant flux, conversations around consent get lost in many long term partnerships. Don't let this happen to you! You should feel confident to express to your partner what you want, what you don’t want, and any boundaries you may have no matter how long you’ve been together.
Scheduling a date for sex in a long term relationship isn’t that different than a date when you first meet someone. There are plans, maybe not as explicit as sex, but there is an expectation of hopefully having some intimate interactions. This excitement and anticipation can revive and relive some feelings and excitement of first dates for long term partners.
Just knowing you’re in for some sexy times can be an arousing thought. Many people who plan sex end up having sex in anticipation or afterwards, using the memories as more fantasy fuel. Planning a sex date can be something you can look forward together and enjoy via teasing texts and exciting emails.
During your date, you can enjoy any kind of sexual contact you prefer. It doesn’t have to be penetrative sex. Use this shared time to explore massage, oral sex, sensual touch, or laying naked together. Or maybe you have a fantasy you’d like to explore? Spur of the moment activities aren’t the best time to introduce new things to your partner. If you have a sexy fantasy or what to play with a new sex toy, it’s better to have a conversation beforehand, rather than surprising your partner. This pre-planning also allows you both to be invested, being able to pick out toys and develop a fantasy together.
Yes, spontaneous can be fun, but what about those times when you don’t feel 100% prepared? Do you feel sexier after a shower, or with your favorite underwear on? Don’t want to be expected to perform after a grueling workout or maybe you just masturbated? Having the time to prepare can be fundamental in having the great sex you want and deserve. This preparation also allows you to create a safe and erotic space, whether in your bedroom or someplace new.
Life can naturally take a toll on relationships and without constant effort and ‘check ins’, it can be easy to drift apart. Taking the time to plan sex dates with your partner shows you both are willing to dedicate actual time to your sex life. This, combined with the added communication, only brings couples closer and helps intimacy grow stronger.
If you get on board with planning sex with your partner, this planning can evolve into other relationship activities. Try date nights out, movies time, cooking dinner together, or even time to tackle some chores together. You may find that planning what you do together helps expectations to be met and communication to be clearer.
]]>Sometimes overlooked and underrated, lube can be an easy and simple way to improve your sex life. Sure, there's a lingering stigma around the use of sexual lubricant and what it says about your body and relationship, but honestly, almost everyone can benefit getting a little lubed up. However, once you've welcomed lube into your sexual toolbox there may still be questions needing to be answered.
Though there are many variations and formulas, most lubricants can be divided into the following categories:
Water based lubricant is the most common type of sexual lubricant available. As the name suggests, it’s mainly made out of water. This means during use it absorbs into your skin, and require reapplication for longer sessions. Water base formulas are usually the least irritating and are often combined with other natural moisturizing ingredients like Aloe Vera or Carrageenan. It is safe to use with all toys and barrier methods and won’t stain sheets or clothing.
Silicone based lube is the silk sheets of sexual lubricant. Its extra smooth formula is not absorbed into the skin, so it lasts longer during play. Silicone lube also doesn’t wash away with water alone, making it the ideal companion for shower and bath sex. Silicone is hypoallergenic so as long as it isn’t combined with any irritating ingredients, it’s safe for sensitive bodies. Silicone lube does have some limitations however. Silicone toys can be ruined by the use of silicone lube (though condoms are fine), and it can cause stains on sheets and clothing.
Oil based lubricants are the lube that keep on going. Loved for their longevity, oil based lubes can also double as massage oils. However oil based lube can impact certain barrier methods of STI protection and birth control, most notably with latex condoms. The oil creates small weak spots in latex making condoms more prone to breaking. Oil based lubes are also associated with higher rates of infections. Oil can go rancid quickly so any left in the folds of skin of the labia, penis, scrotum, or anus can lead to irritations. Plus, oil based products are unforgiving on fabrics.
Hybrid based lubricants are lubes that combine base elements, more commonly water and silicone formulas. The idea between hybrid lubes if that you get the best of both worlds. Lubricants that contain both water and silicone have a formula that allows the longer lasting, silky feeling of silicone, with the versatility with toys that a water based lube has.
Not sure what lube to try? Grab a Sliquid Lube cube to try a range of formulas.
The type of lubricant you can use with your toy is all dependent on what your toy is made from. If your toy is made from a hard material, like natural stone, ABS plastic, glass, or stainless steel, then the lube world is your oyster. Non-porous, hard material toys can be used with any lube without ruining or compromising the toy itself.
Silicone toys require either a water based lube or a hybrid is small amount of silicone. Using a silicone lubricant on a silicone toy will likely break down silicone's structure causing it to become sticky or tacky.
If you’re unsure about whether your lube is safe to use with a particular toy, try this simple patch test. Find a small area of your toy that doesn’t come into contact with your body - usually the base of a toy. Take a very small sample of your desired lube onto the tip of a cotton swab and then apply it to the area. Wait 30 mins and wipe clean. If the area has changed at all, your lube isn’t compatible with your toy. If it looks unchanged, you’re good to use that lube.
Since the anus is not a self-lubricating part of the body (unlike the vagina and penis) and anal sometimes requires a lot of ‘warm up’ time, it’s best to go for a lube that is long lasting. Thicker water based lubes with a gel like consistency, hybrid lubes, or silicone based lubes are ideal. If you’re using silicone toys however, stick to water or hybrid to avoid ruining your toy.
Our favorite thick water based lube ideal for anal play with silicone toys is Wicked Simply Aqua Jelle
Yes! Silicone lubricants are ideal for sex in water as they have a sticky consistency that isn't washed away easily. When it does come time to clean up, some gentle soap should wash it away.
Not all lubricant are compatible with your barrier methods. If you’re using latex condoms or barriers, most oil based lubes will actually weaken the barrier, making it more prone to breakage and less effective. Unless a lubricant specifically states that it is safe to use with condoms, opt for water based or hybrid based instead. Remember, a few drops of lube inside of a condom can work wonders for sensation.
Though it may be surprising to hear, most of the lubricants available at the local pharmacy aren’t actually body safe. Many contain parabens, glycerin, sugars, or fragrances that can cause bad reactions, unbalanced PH levels, and possible infections. Before using a lube on your body, first check the ingredients to make sure it doesn’t contain glycerin, Nonoxynol-9, Petroleum, propylene glycol, or chlorhexidine gluconate.
If you're sensitive to lubricants, opt for PH balanced formulas that won’t disrupt the natural bacterial levels in your body. All of Sliquid and Good Clean Love formulas are created to mimic the natural levels of your body.
Check out Good Clean Love's Bio Nude for an all natural, stripped back lubricant perfect for sensitive bodies.
Also, if you’re using pre-lubricated condoms, be aware that this may be the cause of your irritation. Try switching brands, opting for non-lubricated condoms, or do a patch test on your skin before use.
You may have heard the term “Wetter is better”, but if you find you don’t experience any issues with getting wet when aroused, lube can still be a beneficial addition to your play. There are many lubricants out there that can enhance in exciting ways including flavored or heating lubes. Plus if you were to have an experience where your or a partner's body didn't create the natural wetness you're used to, you'd be prepared.
There is always a risk when using a product in ways it was not intended to be used. The areas where you're most likely applying lube (your genitals) have some of the most sensitive skin on your body. Household products could contain unwanted chemicals that you don’t want to be putting inside your body and can cause irritation to these sensitive parts. For example, many lotions that are perfectly wonderful on your legs, bellies, and arms can wreak havoc on your genitals.
Sexual lubricants are specifically designed to work with your body to enhance your sexual experience. Investing in a body safe lubricant prioritizes your health and pleasure, as well as the health and pleasure of your partners.
For a long time, stigma around sexuality has been used as a tool of oppression. Most notably, the concept of virginity has been used to control people. It is often forgotten that virginity is a social construct and not a right of passage to become a sexual person. The cultural concept of virginity runs deep, and ridding it from our society may not be easy or simple. To demonstrate why we need to dump virginity, let’s explore some of the ways the concept of virginity is harmful.
Although the concept of virginity affects everyone in a negative way, the concept of virginity has been heavily targeted towards women and people with vaginas from its inception. Women’s ‘purity’ has been a method of transferring wealth within patriarchal societies via marriage for centuries and suggests that it is acceptable to share and criticize women’s sexuality publicly. Common terms like “popping your cherry” refer to the “loss” of virginity with blatant sexist definitions. Virginity testing is also a shocking and unjust reality for some vagina owners. This ‘practice’ usually involves checking for an intact hymen, an act that is not only violating but is flawed in its accuracy. Some people with vaginas naturally don’t have a hymen or they are broken during activity other than sexual penetration, like tampon use or athletics.
The concept of virginity promotes the idea that sexual purity is valuable and preferred, and conversely, that anyone who isn’t a virgin is dirty, impure, and worthless. However, we are culturally obsessed with sex, so participating in sexual activity is seen as a sign of maturity and development for adolescents. Virginity becomes simultaneously a pressure to have sex and a pressure to abstain during sexual development. These opposing views and pressures around virginity become a prime breeding ground for sexual shame in our youth.
Virginity is a concept often taught as a fact in most government supplied sex education. This kind of fear based teaching full of misinformation, misrepresentations, and religious undertones is harmful to healthy sexual development. Positioning sex from the very beginning as something that you lose, give, or take teaches unnecessary power dynamics and a harmful sexual hierarchy. Instead sex should be something you share (or don’t) with others consensually.
The concept of virginity has a strong moral and religious background and in the past has had social and legal implications. While this isn’t a reality in most societies today, virginity still gives value to someone’s sexuality in ways that are harmful. Some groups within society believe virginity makes someone more desirable while other believe the opposite.
Furthermore, there is so much pressure to have a good, even live-changing, first sexual experience that our expectations usually set us up for failure. Society doesn't typically include narratives about negative experiences ‘losing your virginity', so people are often left feeling inadequate.
Virginity positions PIV (penis in vagina) as the only form of valid sex and the desired destination for all sexual encounters. However, there are some many other way to have sex that are just as normal, health, or valid. This heteronormative view bypasses the LGBTQIA+ experience and invalidates all other sexual activities. If we use the all inclusive definition of sex (which we should all be doing) — any intimate activity that we find sexual stimulating, virginity becomes blurry. If sex is masturbation, oral sex, anal sex, mutual masturbation, etc., defining the boundaries of virginity becomes arbitrary.
Virginity has been used as a racial weapon in many different cultures and governments. Virginity tests have often been used as tool of oppression and control of people of color, most distinctly during immigration testing or to dispute claims of sexual violence, sometimes on a large scale.
The historical background of virginity gives us problematic depictions of virgins also. Most representations of virgins are light skinned to apparently reflect their ‘purity’, essentially concluding that darker skin can’t be such. However most of these examples are manipulated as a tool for white supremacist ideologies. For example, the Virgin Mary was most lightly a dark skinned jewish woman, yet the image of her are often shown as extremely pale.
As you may have noticed, most of the reasons why virginity is harmful often blend together and reinforce one another. It is no mystery why virginity has stayed a social norm within our societies even as we have evolved and progressed. It’s important for our sexual freedom and to dismantling racism and sexism that we rid ourselves of the concept of virginity to measure sexual experience. Virginity is a myth and a social construct than we can reject.
]]>Most of us who have a cervix have no idea what a healthy cervix looks like and most of us have never seen what our own cervix looks like. A cervical self-exam is an opportunity to see parts of your anatomy you may have never seen before! Using a few easy to access tools and follow some simple precautions, you can easily conduct your own inspection of your cervix. A cervical self-exam if mostly about exploring and discovering your own body. It is by no means necessary and should not replace your yearly PAP smears and cervical exams conducted by a doctor. PAP smears are vital in screening for possible issues including cervical cancer.
To conduct your own cervical self-exam, you’re going to need a few tools. Firstly, you’ll need a speculum – a medical instrument that you may recognize from your PAP smears that looks weirdly like a machinal duck. You can find many versions of speculums available for sale from medical retailers. The safest and most reliable are made from either stainless steel or ABS plastic. These are ideal as they are able to be cleaned thoroughly before and after use. You may also want to familiarize yourself with how it works, practicing opening and locking it. Next get your hands on a hand-held mirror or larger mirror that you can sit in front of. Hand-help mirrors allow of a little more flexibility and accessibility, but a larger mirror can work too. Finally, a small flashlight will help you see your cervix more clearly and some lube to make everything a little smoother are great additions.
The most important step before you begin – make sure all your instruments, your hands, and your environment is clean. The vagina is a sensitive eco-system with its own ideal PH balance. You don’t want to introduce any foreign bacteria into your vaginal canal during this self-exam.
To start the self-exam, place yourself in a comfortable position where you can spread your legs wide yet still have visual and physical access to your vagina. Use pillows to support your position. Put some lube on the insertable part of the speculum and try to relax as you insert the tips as far as they will comfortably go. If you feel your muscles tense, slow down and take a few breaths. When you feel comfortable and relaxed, open and lock the speculum like you practiced. Now this frees up both of your hands to grab the hand mirror and the flashlight. Shine the light into your vaginal canal and use to mirror to get a glimpse of your cervix.
Looking down your vaginal canal with the aid of the flashlight and mirror, you should be able to now see your cervix, which will resemble a pink doughnut-like shape. Your cervix is the bottom of your uterus and the only part visible without special medical cameras. Your cervix is the gateway to anything entering or exiting your uterus. Your cervix and the secretions it produces will be different depending on where you are in your menstrual cycle. You may also see natural variations based on factors like if you’ve giving birth vaginally, has previous surgeries, or take hormonal medication.
Cervixes can vary in color from a light white pink to a deep purply red. There may also be small white spots or a variation in color around the opening. Depending on where you are in your cycle, the opening of your cervix maybe be wide or very tight. If you’re menstruating, this is the opening in which blood and tissue leaves your uterus.
If you have an IUD, you should be able to see the string from the base of the device coming out of the opening of your cervix. If the IUD is relatively new, the string will be firm. If. You’ve had it for a while, the string will be softened from the slightly acidic environment of your vagina.
Check out what a cervix looks like here - https://www.womenshealthspecialists.org/self-help/menstrual-study/29-year-old-womans-cervix/
https://www.beautifulcervix.com/
Additional information on cervical cancer -
https://www.webmd.com/cancer/cervical-cancer/cervical-cancer
A testicular self-exam is the act of checking your testicles for any changes including growths, bumps, pain, irritation, swelling, discoloration, and discomfort. While regularly checking out your genitals is important, testicular self-exams carry much significance in a healthy sexual wellness routine. Testicular cancer accounts for 2% of all cancers that occur in penis owners and, during its early stages, the only significant symptom is a mass within the testes. Early detection of testicular cancer results in a 90% effective treatment rate. With this in mind, it’s important to know what your testicles should look and feel like normally in an effort to be able to spot any abnormal change, growth, pain, or sensation. A positive side-effect of these self-exams is the added knowledge of sensation in your testicles. Many penis owners see their testicles as part of their genital “machinery” and not as the positive pleasure centers they are. Feeling your testicles may allow you to appreciate the vast amount of sensations they can produce when touched, squeezed, stroked, and held.
Before we get into the how to of self-exams, let’s first go over some genital anatomy so you know what you’re feeling and what is normal. Here we’re going to concentrate mainly on the testes (sometimes called testicles) but also highlight some other areas of your genitals that you can visually check from time to time.
Starting off with the area that most people are familiar with, the penis itself is made up of a few different parts. The tube-like structures that runs down the shaft of the penis is called the Urethra. It’s through the urethra that urine as well as ejaculation leaves the body. The urethra opening is located at the tip of the penis, otherwise known as the Glans Penis.
Moving to the testicles, your testes are where sex hormones and semen is made. Most people have two testicles which are inside of the scrotum – the temperature and sensation sensitive skin that preserves the temperature needed for ideal sperm development. Also, inside of the scrotum is the Epididymis, a structure along the back of a testis where sperm matures. Connected to the epididymis is the Vas Deferens, a tube that carries the sperm to the urethra (sometimes referred to as the spermatic cord). And that’s about all you need to know to perform a testicular self-exam!
The best time to check your testicles is during shower to bath time. As you may have noticed, the warm water affects your scrotum – your sac will be soft and relaxed, making the whole self-exam a little easier. Now it’s time to grab your goods!
Checking one testicle at a time, grip your scrotum with both hands and gentle roll your testicle between your fingers. You should be able to feel the smooth roundness of your testicle, the attached epididymis, and outgoing spermatic tube. Feel around the epididymis and follow the spermatic tube up the back of the scrotum.
What are you feeling for exactly? Your testicles and the surrounding tissue should feel smooth and, while sensitive, not particularly painful. What you’re trying to detect with this self-exam is any lumps, bumps, or usually textures as well as pain, swelling, or discomfort.
Try to make your testicular self-exam a monthly habit. Now that you know what your testicles feel like, take note of any changes that occur. If you feel any change in size, shape, texture, or sensation, take yourself to a doctor to get it checked out. While your noticed changes could be a range of things, if it is testicular cancer this early detection and intervention could be life-saving.
Currently a person with breasts has a 1 in 8 chance of developing breast cancer. While there are many factors that seem to be contributors to developing the disease, we still haven’t figured out methods to prevent breast cancer. With this being said, there are ways to help with early detection and treatment, including breast self-exams, that can improve chance of survival and recovery. 40% of diagnosed breast cancers are from people finding a lump, bump, or growth during a breast-self exam. Breast-self exams are also a great way to further understand your body and have more agency over your health.
A breast self-exam is a simple method of checking your own breasts for any abnormalities. It’s a quick way to notice any changes in your breasts via a few simple moves. It’s recommended that you complete a breast self-exam monthly.
Before we discuss the method, let’s first talk about the anatomy of breasts. Breasts are made up of a variety of tissues and glands that help facilitate potential milk production. Underneath the squishy layers of fats that create the fullness and shape of your breast, there are mammary glands and corresponding ducts. The function of these glands and ducts are to produce milk and delivery to the nipple if needed. Feeling your breasts, you should be able to feel these glands and ducts that make up the breast bud – they’ll feel harder than the surrounding tissue but aren’t necessarily lumpy. They also shouldn’t feel painful, though it can be common for breast to feel tender during certain times of the menstrual cycle.
There are 3 stages to a comprehensive breast self-exam and the first one begins in the shower or bath. Warm water is a great way to relax the tissue and skin of the breast, making it ideal to examine. With the soft pads of your fingers, feel each breast one at a time, applying a little pressure as your work your way around the entire surface of the breast, into the armpit. Pay close attention to any unusual bumps, soreness, or skin textures.
Next, transition to standing in front of a mirror so you can visually inspect your breast. Move side to side and raise your arms to get a glimpse at every angle. Look for any changes in color, swelling, or extreme unevenness. Now, place your hands on your hips and flex your chest muscles. Notice is there is any puckering of the skin or dimpling area when you do. Gently squeeze your nipples and check for any discharge or pain.
Now, lay down on your back and repeat the same method you used in the shower to gradually check every area of each breast. Try to relax your muscles as you do so. For some, it can be helpful to place a pillow under your back.
As you complete your breast self-exam, there are some specific things to look out for. While these symptoms are no guarantee of a breast cancer diagnosis, if you are experiencing or find any of the following symptoms, please follow up with a doctor as soon as possible.
Things to look out for include:
While every person with breasts is recommended to complete breast self-exams monthly, you should also be getting regular breast exams conducted by a doctor. Speak to your doctor about your risk factors, including any family history of breast cancer, to decide how often these routine exams should take place.
https://www.nationalbreastcancer.org/
]]>
In 2018 the World Health Organization announced that 417 million people have genital herpes worldwide (aka 11% of the population) and 3.7 billion people have oral herpes - over two-thirds of all humans. Given these statistics, it’s actually pretty likely you already have it and have had sex with someone that has it too!
However, despite herpes being a common experience for many of us (some of us unknowingly), we are far from normalizing the virus. Though herpes may complicate things slightly, you can still have a fulfilling sex life after a herpes diagnosis.
So what is herpes?
Herpes Simplex Virus (HSV) is a common virus related to chicken pox and shingles and medically speaking, it's a type of rash. The HSV virus lives in the nerves and when active, it travels to the surface of the infected area (skin or mucous membrane) and makes copies of itself. This is called "shedding" and these new viruses can, at this time, rub off on another person. There are many things that can activate the virus including a compromised immune system (aka when you’re already feeling unwell), stress, poor diet, damaged skin or irritation, certain medications, or fluctuations in hormones.
When experiencing a outbreak of the virus, common symptoms include a sore or collection of blisters that are painful, irritating, and even itchy. A herpes flare up only last a few days, though it can take time for the skin to fully heal. There are various medical treatments and home remedies available that can reduce the length of the flare up as well as curb the uncomfortable symptoms. After a few days when the virus has begun to clear up, the virus travels back down the nerve to a ganglion (mass of nerve tissue), usually at the base of the spine, where it lies dormant, either temporarily until the next outbreak or permanently, never showing up again. Outbreaks tend to lessen over time. You may experience many outbreaks during your first year of having herpes but they will eventually taper off, maybe even stop all together.
Though often referred to as oral herpes (Type 1) and genital herpes (Type 2), both strains of herpes can occur anywhere on your body aka you can get a sore on your crotch. Both strains are extremely similar and it wasn’t until the 1960’s that herpes was divided into two to different types - HSV-1 and HSV-2
Unlike other STDs that are spread by fluids, HSV is spread by skin-to-skin contact when the HSV-affected person sheds their tiny skin cells into some kind of opening on their partner’s skin. Herpes isn’t only spread via sexual contact. You can catch the herpes virus from any skin to skin contact. It’s extremely common for people living in close quarters, family members, friends, co-workers etc. to spread the virus between them. One of the most common places herpes is passed around (like many other infections and infestations) is actually by children in school! In very rare cases herpes can be transferred on surfaces that have come in contact with the herpes outbreak but this is very uncommon. Because the virus dies very quickly when exposed to air, unless the surface very recently touched the virus, transferring it isn't an issue most of the time.
Testing
Most standard STI screenings do not include testing for both strains of HSV unless you or your Dr specially request that the test be done. Most people discover they have HSV-1 and/or HSV-2 after seeking treatment due to an outbreak. However, if your status was discovered via a blood test when there were no physical symptoms, it may be the case that you’ll never have an actual outbreak. Many people who have the herpes virus in their system have strong enough immune systems to prevent an outbreak and therefore it becomes a dormant, asymptomatic infection.
This being said, the widely available tests for herpes are famously inaccurate and can give false positives up to 50% of the time. In some cases they can fail to detect the virus at all. Due to the lack of testing, the under-diagnosis of the disease means that people fail to recognize how common it is, creating a situation where those who are accurately diagnosed are likely to feel shame or embarrassment, while a large chunk of undiagnosed infected people are unaware.
Though it is unclear when the first occurrence of herpes being medically documented was, there was a distinct point in time when people started stigmatizing it. Until the 1970’s, the herpes simplex virus, not matter where it showed up on your body, wasn’t seen as anything other than a mild annoyance that many people experienced. It was common practice not to treat symptoms at all - instead most people who experienced an outbreak simply waited for it to pass. However, due to struggles in trying to sell their Zovirax topical herpes medication, pharmaceutical retailer Burroughs Wellcome intentionally created public hysteria over the common virus with a sensationalized marketing campaign. As this manufactured stigma grew around herpes in all its forms, so did the profit Burroughs Wellcome accrued from sales of its anti-viral medications. Playing on the social consequences of having a visible outbreak, the demand for herpes medication further increased in the 1980’s when pharmaceutical companies began being able to market their products directly to the public. Since then, the stigma around genital herpes has developed, yet our public understanding of the virus hasn’t.
It is common for people to fear what they don’t understand, and herpes is a perfect example of that. While the virus itself is uncomfortable and sometimes a little painful, the most distressing aspects of having herpes are social ones. People with herpes can experience drops in self-esteem, feelings of shame, and a tendency to isolate themselves. There are studies that show the rate of depression in people with herpes increases exponentially after a diagnosis. This turmoil also translates to relationships. Since most people are unaware that the herpes virus can be dormant in your system for years and can be transmitted from contact that isn’t sexual, some people assume their partners are cheating.
Having herpes says nothing about the kind of person you are. The truth is anyone can have herpes - from people who have many partners to those who aren’t sexually active. If you are one of the many people who has HSV 1, 2, or both, remember that your diagnosis does not define you. Herpes is a common condition that is simple to manage.
Whether you have the HSV or not (odds are you might!), we can all do our part in breaking the stigma around herpes. The best way to combat stigma is to normalize it. Educating yourself and sharing that knowledge with others is a profound step in the right direction. Stigma feeds off of misinformation. Shutting down herpes related jokes and tropes and not supporting those who perpetuate the cycle of social shame is also vital. Share your understanding of the virus and the fact that most of us have it.
It is ethically responsible to tell your partner you have herpes before you engage with sexual contact with them. Allowing them to be fully aware of the circumstances is the only way they can truly give their informed consent. However, due to the current lack of understanding of herpes and just how common it is, disclosing to a partner can seem like a difficult task.
It can be tempting to not disclose your herpes status simply to avoid the uncomfortable conversation take about herpes can cause. It can be scary telling someone a sensitive thing about yourself and not knowing how they will react. However there are some ways of communicating that can make the experience easier.
The setting and timing can affect the outcome of your experience. Have this conversation outside of the bedroom before things get heated. When communicating to a new partner, present the situation in an informed and neutral way. If you suggest that it’s wrong, shameful, or a problem, you will reinforce a possible negative reaction that your partner may have. Do not suggest how your partner should react, instead allow them to express how they feel.
Offer to answer any questions for them and suggest the option to take some time to do research of their own if they want to. There are plenty of other fun sexy activities you can do in the meantime together that don’t involve direct genital contact like mutual masturbation.
Herpes is relatively easy to manage compared to other STIs, allowing you to have a fulfilling sex life. Between herpes outbreaks, it’s ok the have sex as long as your partner understands and accepts the risks associated. Though the risk is considerably less, you can still pass herpes on to a partner even when no symptoms of an outbreak are present. Using barrier methods like condoms and dental dams during sex have been shown to significantly lower the rates of transmission, but it’s still possible to pass on herpes even when using this kind of protection.
There are antiviral drugs that can be taken at the sign of an outbreak to curb its development or as a daily therapy that can also lower transmission rates. Suppressive therapy is about 50% more affective in preventing transmission than without it. If you think these medications could be beneficial for you, visit your doctor or local clinic. Also remember that there are many other way to explore sex and sensual feelings with a partner that don’t avoid genital contact and can be great go-to’s during an outbreak.
In conclusion...
While having herpes can be an uncomfortable experience in various ways, there are easy ways to manage your condition in a ways that doesn't affect your sex life much. As long as you educate yourself, inform your partners, and know your sexual alternatives during a break out, having a herpes diagnosis (either HSV-1 or HSV-2) can be very manageable. While the current stigma can seem overwhelming at times, the more we normalize herpes and stay neutral about this very common condition, the less a herpes diagnoses will affect all of our lives. And normalizing herpes is a necessary thing seeing as the majority of us have it!
All images created for Wild Flower by @myboyfriendhasherpes
]]>
With an expanding subset of our culture promoting bodily autonomy, emphasizing consent, expanding ways to date, hook up, or relate, and finally having discussions about pleasure, more people seem to be craving sex of a higher quality. Mindfulness maybe the answer
There have been numerous studies that concluded the benefits that mindfulness can have on an individual, from reduced stress and anxiety to deeper compassion and awareness. So if Mindful practices can make up feel happier and healthier as individuals, how can they benefit our sex lives and relationships?
You may have heard of the term Mindfulness, but what is it exactly? Mindfulness is the psychological process of bringing one's attention to experiences occurring in the present moment, or in other terms, getting out of your head and into the current situation. The practice of mindfulness can be explored in many different ways but some of the more common applications are meditation, cognitive and talk therapy, breathing exercises, and visualization methods.
Though mindfulness is having a moment within the current culture dialogue, mindful practices and methods that predated its development have been around for thousands of years dated to early Buddhist ideas and developed through the western narrative during the Transcendentalism movement during the 19th century. As research into Mindfulness demonstrate its many benefits, mindful practices have been implemented into vast number of private, social, and government programs, including therapy theory, within schools, as part of business training, and prison programs.
Clinical studies have documented many physical and mental benefits of practicing Mindfulness including a general reduction in symptoms of depression, stress and anxiety. Further detailed studies have concluded that Mindfulness may be helpful to those who suffer with chronic pain, feeling disconnected from their body, and for those who have been victims of sexual violence. Physical and mental pain and stressors have long been associated with a decreased level of sexual satisfaction, therefore the symptom reduction, relief, and healing that mindful practices can offer can enhance your sexual happinesses.
Practicing Mindfulness doesn’t have to be a complicated endeavor. There are many tangible applications that be can specifically tailored to your needs. These are just a few examples of mindfulness practices that can enhance your sex life and help solve some sexual issues.
Eye Gazing
Taking the time to connect with a partner can be an important part of boosting your sexual satisfaction. As most of us are living fast paced and stimulated lives, sex and intimacy can sometimes feel like a rushed afterthought. Slow things down with your partner and create some intimacy and intensity between you both.
-Take a few minutes before sex to gaze into one another's eyes. Once you get past the giggles and maybe the urge to start a staring contest, start to notice how this connection makes you feel.
-Eye gazing with a partner can prompt the release of the feel good hormone Oxytocin, sometimes referred to as the bonding hormone. This is the same hormone that is released during climax and orgasm.
-Revisit this gaze during sex if you feel inclined. A prolonged gaze every now and again can help maintain the feeling of closeness.
Grounding
Mindful practices that work to get us back in touch with our physical self can have an impactful grounding effect for many situations. Sometimes we can feel disconnected from our bodies, experience self-esteem issues, or feel discomfort with ourselves due to physical pain. Grounding practices have also been very helpful for people who experience anxiety, panic attacks, or are finding themselves triggered. Try this simple practice to help you feel more control over your body.
-Get yourself into a comfortable position where not moving for several minutes will feel ok. Lying down is ideal, but any position where you feel fully supported works.
-Close your eyes and focus on your breathing with an effort to slow it down. If closing you eyes feels difficult, focus your gaze on one spot instead.
-Starting at the lowest point of your body (usually the toes for most of us) start to scan each individual body part. Assess how it feels and then try to relax it further. Move progressively from body part to body part (toes to ankles to calves to shins to knees etc) spending about 30 seconds on each area until you reach the top of your head. If you find a particular area of your body too upsetting or triggering to engage with, skip that area.
-When you reach the top of your head, focus again on your breath. Visualize your breath flowing through all areas of your body to restore it.
Express Yourself
It can be hard to have honest and open conversations about sex and it’s clear to see why. Many of us were not taught the communication skills necessary for having such vulnerable dialogues during our sexual education (if we had any at all). But being able to have conversations about sex is important - it’s how we discuss consent, boundaries, and preferences. Mindful writing or journaling can be a great way to familiarize yourself with your need and wants and give words to them.
-Try writing down how you feel about a certain aspect of sex, an upcoming or previous sexual encounter, or something you want to express to your partner.
-Don’t be judgmental of what you write, instead think of the exercise as more of a free writing session where you write down everything that comes to mind when you think it.
-Read over your thoughts. Circle or highlight anything you find important or that stands out.
-Practice reading your writing, especially the phrases or words that make you feel most uncomfortable.
-An optional conclusion to your writing exercise is to thrown away or tear up what you wrote. This can be particularly freeing if you find yourself stuck on or bothered by a subject you wrote about.
Metta Meditation
As humans, we frequently mentally “beat ourselves up”, engage with negative thoughts, or just feel lousy about ourselves. Using mindfulness practices, we can gently and carefully show ourselves some compassion during these times in an effort release some of these negative feels. Try this simple compassion meditation when you’re feeling down on yourself.
-Metta meditation is a very accessible meditation even for people new to the practice. This is because there is a focus instead of the expectation to clear your mind. Start by getting yourself in a comfortable position, free from as many distractions as possible.
-Visualize yourself surrounded by kindness - some people like to think of a light or an aura for this. Try to relax your muscles and deepen your breathing.
-Next, select a mantra. A common compassion mantra is -“May I be free. May I be happy. May I be safe.”. The exact words you select aren’t important - how they make you feel is. May be you select something specific to your current emotions or insecurities, or use your mantra to smash any self doubt. Other examples include “May I be kind to myself”, “I embody love and compassion”, “I love myself first”.
-Repeat these words in your mind as you take deep, slow breathes. Try this practice for 10 mins, extending if you feel necessary. If it’s more comfortable for you, set a timer.
Thoughtful Arguments
Having disagreements with a partner can be difficult, but it’s something all of us face at one point or another. Though it may seem counterintuitive at first, thinking about the way in which we argue can not only vastly assist with the argument itself, but also help improve our overall relationship satisfaction. Happy partners translate into happier sex lives. Mindful listening can be a useful tool when arguing with a partner.
-Try your best to focus all of your attention on the disagreement at hand. Take yourself out of any distracting situations if possible and stop engaging with things that may take your attention away like the TV, cell phone etc.
-Allow your partner to finish their thoughts before interrupting them. If thoughts arise, acknowledge them but don’t try to hold onto them in a way that stops you from hearing what your partner is saying.
-Try to listen to your partner's feelings as well as their words. Take note of their body language.
-If you find your partner not treating you with the same patience and respect, try asking for it but do not throw all of your previous effort out the window. Emotions can be a powerful thing, but having some intelligence about them helps understand them.
]]>
Double penetration can be an amazingly stimulating and arousing experience for anyone. Often DP is though of as a taboo sexual act (even in the most sex positive arenas), but it’s simply just another way we can explore what feels good in our bodies.
Double Penetration seems like it might be self explanatory but many people don’t truly understand what it is or how it works. DP is most commonly seen as someone with a vagina being penetrated in both their vagina and anus by two people with penises. However, if we strip away the binary and heteronormative expectations of this description, there are a vast number of additional ways to interpret the term double penetration. There are so many ways to be dual penetrated for many types of bodies and in many scenarios. For example, you could choose penetration in two separate holes or dual penetrate one orifice. There are also ways to explore what you get penetrated with and by whom. Will a partner be using their penis or a strap-on and an additional toy or dildo? Will this be a group activity with two or more partners, or even a solo masturbation exploration? There are many ways that double penetration can be explored and tailored to your circumstances.
Double penetration can be pleasurable in many different ways. The ‘filled up’ / ‘stretched’ feeling from being DP’d can be intensely pleasurable for people with all types of bodies. Additionally, extra pressure on either the G spot or P spot can intensify orgasms. Because of its taboo history, some people find double penetration a naughty and therefore very mentally arousing act. DP can be combined with other fantasies and desires like threesomes/group sex, strap-on play, toy use, and dominance/submission.
Like most things in life and sex, preparation is key to having a positive DP experience. Firstly, you need to decide who (if anyone) is going to participate and have a discussion beforehand. Aside from the typical consent, STI, and pregnancy prevention conversations, be sure that everyone has a clear understanding of what double penetration is and what role they will be playing. Discuss everyone’s boundaries, experience, and concerns, while also planning any additional elements you want to incorporate into this fantasy (like some BDSM play or roleplay).
Next you need to get your toys and tools! Lube is a universal must for a comfortable and enjoyable DP experience, no matter what the arrangement is. Opt for a long lasting body-safe lubricant and keep it on hand during during the experience. If you’re planning on using silicone toys, a thick water-based lube like Sliquid’s Organic Natural Gel Water-based Lube is ideal. A silicone lube will offer longer-lasting playtime with a smoother feel — great for when no silicone toys are being used. Check out our Silicone lube options here.
If you are the receiver in your DP arrangement, have authority over the insertibles that will be used. If you’re using toys and plugs, be sure you are comfortable with the size and shape, possibly spending some time exploring them solo before any partnered play happens. Sometimes it can be helpful to have a few sizes of dildos and plugs available to be able to adjust your plan if toys seem too filling or not enough.
If you are using harnesses, try them on beforehand to make sure they’re comfortable, adjusted to the right size, and can be used in the right position. Remember there are many harness styles, including single dildo harnesses, double dildo harnesses, and even harnesses that can be strapped onto your thigh. No matter what your experience or ability, there are toys available to match your needs.
It’s essential that everyone is comfortable and relaxed, especially the person who is being penetrated. Having an orgasm (or a few!) before can help relax the pelvic and anal muscles, making any further penetration easier. This is especially helpful for vagina owners.
Position is extremely important. The key is to find a position that allows the person being penetrated to adjust the angle via tilting their hips while also having control over the depth. Variations on doggy style, ‘cowgirl’, missionary, and spooning work well but it may take a few adjustments to ensure everyone is comfortable. Sex wedges and pillows can come in handy in helping you achieve some bedroom acrobatics that double penetration can entail.
Refrain from diving straight in and instead take your time to work up to the main event. Remember, double penetration is an intense feeling so starting with just one toy or penis can help you ease into the situation. When the person who is receiving feels comfortable and consents, start adding additional penetration via fingers and smaller toys before doubling up. Try incorporating extra stimulation via the clit, nipples, perineum, or penis to add even more pleasurable sensations.
Don’t be disappointed if DP doesn’t work out for you the first time. It takes practice for your body to get used to such an intense sensation so it may require a couple of tries for it to feel right. Be flexible with your original plan and don’t be discouraged if you need to adapt or change course.
Deuce Harness
The harness of our DP dreams, the SpareParts Deuce Harness making being penetrated by one partner so much easier. To be worn either by a person using their penis and an additional toy or two toys together, the Deuce harness allows for a single partner to deliver twice the pleasure. Soft yet sturdy, this ultra comfortable harness is high on our list of DP essentials.
Cock Rings
A cock ring can be a great tool during DP play. Cock rings work by restricting the blood flow in the shaft of the penis in a safe way. Added restriction makes an erection harder and helps it last longer. This can be helpful during DP as a firmer erection is easier to navigate.
Temptasia Elvira Dildo
The perfect fit between a dildo and a butt plug, the Temptasia Elvira Dildo is a thick and short toy perfect for achieving the desired filling sensation double penetration brings. Silky smooth with a gentle curve, the Elvira dildo is ideal on a range on bodies to hit just the right spots.
Pro-tip: Do not switch penises or toys between different orifices without washing or cleaning them first. The bacteria that is present in your anus is harmful to the natural bacteria present in the vagina.
Pro-tip: If anything is going into your butt it must have a flared base for you to be safe. It’s really easy to lose grip of a toy when you’re using it, and a flared base will help prevent it from being pulled up inside of your body.
Pro-tip: If you're wanted to be penetrated anally, inserting a plug before your play begins will help your anal sphincter muscles to stretch and then relax around the toy. This prep should make penetration easier.
]]>Almost all of us are taught from an early age that monogamy is the only (or only acceptable) relationship dynamic and that we should all want to be in a partnership with that structure. But as stigmas around different relationship styles diminish, more people are rejecting the traditional structure of monogamy and are creating new rules for their relationship dynamics.
Before we discuss the different styles of relationships other than monogamy, we must first define what monogamy is. Monogamy is a relationship structure where one individual has one single partner throughout their life or at a time. This partner is the only person with whom they exchange sex, love, intimacy, and affection with. The prevalence of monogamy as the standard relationship style within society has a long and complicated history that can be linked with many things including religious ideology and industrialization. While certainly not always the case, social constructs like religious marriage that uphold the importance of monogamy have been and still are often used as a monetary and social tools to bind families and their wealth together.
Non-monogamy is an umbrella term for every relationship style other than monogamy. Essentially any relationship where there are more than two people engaging in sexual and romantic bonds, whether temporarily or ongoing, can be considered non-monogamous. Sometimes this term is used by individuals to describe themselves in an effort to communicate the kind of relationship styles they are interested in engaging with.
Monogamish - Partners who are in a monogamish agreement are, for the most part, following the rules of monogamy most of the time, but occasionally exceptions are made for sexual play. This could be something partners engage in together or separately, but usually isn’t an ongoing element in their relationship.
Swinging - Sometimes referred to as partner swapping or party play, swinging refers to couples who like to trade or switch partners for a period of time (usually an evening or few hours) to engage in sexual play. Most likely these activities take place at an arranged event or venue like a sex club or swingers party.
Group Sex (Threesomes, Orgies etc) - Group sex, in all of its variations, is typically known as sex involving more than 2 partners. A couple in a relationship can engage in group sex on occasion as part of a monogamish agreement, or as a ongoing arrangement. Partners will usually set up boundaries on who they want to have sex with, how often, where, and what kind of relationships they want to maintain (or not) with people afterwards.
Casual Relationships / Friends With Benefits - Not often thought of as a non-monogamous partnerships, casual sexual relationships and friends with benefits do actually have many of the same arrangements as other open relationship styles. While partners don’t usually consider themselves “together”, they do engage in sexual activities with one another while also allowing their partner to do the same. Usually these relationships focus on the sexual elements and aren’t so much about love and intimacy.
Open Relationships - This is where one or both members of a committed relationship are free to have sex with other people. Open relationships are unique and individuals are free to work out the rules and structure of the relationship between themselves.
Polyamory - Polyamory can be a relationship style or a personal identification. People who are polyamorous have multiple sexual and romantic partners. Sometimes people will have primary partners or their main relationship, of which they then have additional partners to compliment this arrangement.
Triad, Quad, and Group Relationships - Partners who are in a multi-person relationships usually only engage in sexual and romantic relations with one another, thought these restrictions are flexible. Sometime people will live together as a unit and offer support and structure to each other's lives. Group relationships can start as a couple and expand or can be formed by multiple people at one time.
Relationship Anarchy / No Rules Relationships - People who subscribe to relationship anarchy reject all rules and structure around their relationships. Usually it is an “anything goes” agreement in an effort to focus on individual desires and wants without compromise.
The term ethical non-monogamy (sometimes coined consensual non-monogamy) has gained traction recently for people who are describing their non-monogamous agreements. Adding the word ethical implies that everyone in the arrangement is being treated respectfully, fairly, and has given their enthusiastic consent to the terms of the relationship.
Unfortunately, the guise of non-monogamous relationships or polyamorous identities have been used by abusive and inconsiderate partners to “get away with” or cross a partner’s boundaries. The truth is that you can be in an open relationship and still cheat. The difference between violating and respecting a partner's boundaries is communication and permission.
Having fears about introducing a structure of non-monogamy into your current relationship or seeking it in a future partnership is completely normal. It can be hard to picture a relationship working any other way that monogamously if that’s all you’ve experienced and been exposed to. The beauty to a non-monogamous agreement is that you get to make all of the rules and evolve them to fit your arrangement overtime.
Just like any relationship style, non-monogamous agreements take work to maintain. Though many people in more open styles of relationships have higher sexual satisfaction, they still have to deal with feelings of jealousy and insecurity. To make a non-monogamous relationship work, it takes a lot of vulnerability to have conversations about these feelings in an effort to either overcome them in time or create boundaries that make you feel more secure. It can be an unusual thing feeling engaging with emotions like jealousy, instead of trying to avoid them altogether. It may take some practice, but you'll eventually get used to analyzing, understanding, and communicating your emotions freely.
If you’re interested in opening up your current relationship, you need to have a conversation with your partner to see where they are at on the topic. It is extremely common for both parties not to agree, and that’s ok. Some partners may need time to acclimate to the idea, while others may never be comfortable with non-monogamy. These boundaries are fair to have — it’s up to you to decide if you can compromise to make the relationship successful or not. If you’re seeking non-monogamous relationships in the future, communicate this to new partners early on. Many people choose to disclose this information when meeting someone or even in their online dating profile.
Remember, do not let anyone shame you for your wants in a relationship structure. Just because they may not be aligned with someone else's doesn’t mean they are wrong, they are simply different.
Jin, they/them
“I love being poly, especially for my emotional wellbeing. I think monogamy is tied into ideas of possession and partners owning one another, which are harmful. I’ve tried every other relationship style and being polyamorous really works for me best, but it takes work.
For me, monogamy had no honesty, no communication and a lot of fear. I felt like I was forced into being monogamous due to my upbringing and not who I really was.
To be successful in a poly relationship you need communication, honesty, exploration, and self-awareness. Know your desires and work at communicating them to your partner. There is no right and wrong in relationships, just remember to be safe.”
MacKenzie, She/her
"For Dan and I, always being open to returning to conversations has been a key to our non-monogamous relationship. There are occasions where, no matter how good our intentions are and how willing we are to talk about things, sometimes we just aren’t understanding one another or one of us is struggling. It’s nice to know that we can always come back to our conversations and that nothing we say is irreversible.
I see so many couples struggling to talk about things for fear that they will ask a question or say something that will have some devastating, irrevocable effect on their relationship. Early on in our relationship, we established that that kind of fear wasn’t a dynamic we wanted and it’s helped a lot! We like to say “This isn’t fragile.”.
Dan, He/him
"It’s so hard to know how you’re going to feel in any situation - especially when it comes to jealousy. So as far as boundary setting, I’d call our style “cautiously winging it.” We put ourselves in situations and just try things. Then after a date or during an experience we check in. And the next day we check in again - and often the following day - because sometimes reactions aren’t immediate. And new feelings can be hard to put words to right away. But doing these things has helped build a vocabulary for it. And working through a few situations where I had some intense feelings of fear and jealousy has given me so much confidence in the strength our relationship and our ability to take risks together. That’s allowed us to have a lot of really rewarding and beautiful experiences that I never thought possible."
Alexis, They/them
"I would say the biggest thing I’ve learned is that conflict is inevitable and when issues like jealousy or miscommunication come up, they don’t have to doom a relationship and maybe they shouldn’t. My experience is that when issues like this come up they are an opportunity for us as individuals and within the container of our relationships to work through what old habits and traumas we are carrying around jealousy, dishonesty, issues of ownership and property, if we can find the strength enough to be vulnerable and work through them with ourselves and our partners.
Like we tend to have this storybook view of things that if everything doesn’t work out without a conversation then it’s not meant to be, but that’s not really realistic. Sustainable non-monogamous or even monogamous relationships take a lot of conversation, a lot of vulnerability, a lot of willingness to be in the pain and discomfort when we get triggered around these issues."
Anastasia, She/her
"If you are already in a relationship and trying to open it up, go slow and take stock of your expectations (for yourself, your partner, or whoever else you are involving). It can be so tempting to flex your relationship style, to try to grow very quickly when someone you love is (or is exploring being) poly, or when you suddenly have a crush and realize it is possible to care deeply for two people at the same time. Slow down. There is all the time in the world to figure this out and be kind. Take stock of your own desires, edges, and firm “no”s. Let your partner(s) do the same. Change cannot be forced, it must be felt out."
]]>
A simple process yet amazingly intense, wax play is a type of temperature play that falls under the BDSM umbrella. Though considered slightly advanced, wax play is a popular form of kink play which is accessible to many people. If you’re curious about trying wax play, it does require some understanding of the process and potential risks before the fun can begin.
Wax play is the process of dripping, pouring, or bushing hot wax onto skin. Like many BDSM activities that connect the responses of pain and pleasure, wax play can be an arousing exploration full of endorphin releasing sensations. Simple to incorporate into a larger scene, wax play can be a fun solo, partnered, or group activity. The cost of the tools is low and the preparation isn’t extensive. Not only is hot wax a very intense physical play to enjoy, the wax itself can create beautiful patterns and textures on the skin, making it a visually appealing practice too.
It is vital to understand your tools before you begin. Instead of grabbing any old candle, opt for candles that are specifically designed for wax play. Wax play candles burn at a lower temperature so they don’t burn the skin while delivering the desired sensation. Simple table candles that contain scents, metallic coloring, or preservative contain certain additives and salts that cause the wax to not only burn hotter, but cool down slower causing burns. In addition, wax play candles don’t contain any harsh chemicals that can irritate skin and are easy to hold and maneuver.
The further away the candle is held, the cooler the wax will feel when it hits the skin and the safer the practice is. 18 inches is the recommended distance to hold the candle away from someone's body but tolerances involved in hot wax play vary greatly from person to person. Do a test on your own skin beforehand in a tolerant spot like your arm. The feeling of hot wax hitting your skin isn’t comparable to many other sensations - even the most experienced impact players need to understand what the sensation feels like before starting play. Even the dominant (or the person who is doing the act, not receiving it) should do a patch test to understand the pain threshold of hot wax and what their partner is feeling.
There are some safety concerns with wax play. Firstly it crucial to keep hot wax away from the face and eyes, as well as any open wounds or openings of your genitals like including the anus, urethra, and vagina. Hot wax can cause damage to these highly sensitive areas as well as disruptions in natural PH levels. Be mindful that some skin, like the area around your genitals, armpits, and backs of knees, will be more sensitive to temperature than others. Secondly, since you’ll be using open flame, have a glass of water and a damp cloth handy just in case you need to extinguish the flame quickly. Make sure your sheets aren't made of highly flammable materials like polyester. Wash off any products that contain flammable ingredients like alcohol (think hairspray, perfume) before any play begins. Have a hard and stable surface to hold your tools during play — your nightstand is ideal.
Some other things to think about include communication and clean up. Agree on safe words or directions on how your partner can express they want to stop / take a break. Discuss any areas of skin you or your partner want to avoid. Think about protecting any sheets, fabrics, or surfaces by covering them a protective barrier or throw.
Once you’re ready to start, there are varying methods of application to explore. Dripping wax directly onto the body can feel very different than allowing it roll down the skin. You could try layering the wax spots, rubbing the wax in, or even blindfolding your partner so they have to anticipate when the next drop will fall. If you’re exploring is as part of a bigger BDSM scene, try mixing it with different methods of impact or sensation, like a pinwheel or a strike from a paddle.
During play, be careful of pooling wax in crevices. Wax may run down your partner’s skin into sensitive areas and create hot spots. Think about the crotch, arm pits, necks, backs of knees, or inner elbow. If you see this happening or your partner communicates discomfort - stop, wipe away excess wax with a damp cloth, check in with your partner, and if they want to continue, try a different position or area of the skin to focus on.
For the person receiving the wax on their skin, expect a burst of brief pain followed by a quick relief as it cools down. Hot wax will very quickly lower in temperature once it contacts skin, however the initial few moments can feel intense. It the pain lingers more than a couple seconds, the candle maybe too close to the skin or the area is too sensitive.
Removal of the wax can be nice addition to the aftercare process. Hardening the wax with an ice cube after play helps with removal as well as offers some nice release to sensitive skin. The process of picking the wax of your or your partner’s skin can feel like a relieving or even a soothing activity for some. Others many want to remove residue wax easily and quickly. A flat, dull object like a credit card works well. Expect the skin to be warm to the touch with a pinkish / red hue. Soothe that delicate skin by massaging it with some sensitive oil or balm.
Pro-tip: Try prepping your skin with lotion, oil, or silicone lube to vary the sensation and help with wax removal. If you're using oil, make sure the oil is fully absorbed to avoid hot spots.
Pro-tip: If you anticipate your play being messy, avoid rooms with carpeting. Wax is a nightmare to remove from carpet and rugs so opt for a wooden or tile floor space.
Pro-tip: Looking to get more artistic? Try melting the candles down in a saucepan and then using paint brushes to apply to max to your or your partner's skin. This give you more control when making your design.
Turn up the heat in your bedroom with the Make Me Melt Drip Candles.
]]>
1. Educate yourself on the Trump administration's efforts to “define” transgender people out of existence. The New York Times broke the story of this most recent memo.
2. Educate yourself and others on the definition of transgender - "Transgender people have a gender identity or gender expression that differs from their assigned sex. "
3. Get engaged. Share stories and information on your social media platforms, attend rallies and protests, and organize to fight this.
4. If you can, vote. Let your representatives in congress know that you are in support of the current “Equality Act” that will amend the Civil rights act to include protections for transgender Americans. If they don’t support it, don’t support them.
5. Help others vote. This could be helping them register to vote, reminding them of deadlines, and stressing the importance of getting to the polls.
6. Assist your trans community with voting. Help them register, offer a ride to their polling station, or offer to escort them to the polls if they feel unsafe. The National Center for Transgender Equality created this checklist as a helpful tool. Remind them they can not be turned away because there gender does not match the gender on their ID.
7. Demand transgender representation at all levels of government or office. Support transgender candidates.
8. Demand transgender representation and inclusion in your social spaces, events, and panels.
9. Respect people’s pronouns. Always. It's ok to make mistakes — it's not ok to not make an effort.
10. If you are unsure of the pronouns someone uses, listen to them talk about themselves and to others. If you are still unsure, ask them in a respectful and safe way. Offer up your pronouns during an introduction and ask theirs. Be aware of your surroundings, and make sure they aren’t being ‘outed’ by your questioning.
11. NEVER out a transgender person. Disclosing if someone is trans without their consent is dangerous.
12. Adjust your binary language. Pay attention to when you use words that are gendered and change your choice to be non-binary. Calling someone 'Girl" or "Guy" if this isn't their gender is not ok.
13. Respect that trans people are not here to educate you. If they share their experience with you, that is their choice.
14. Do not ask transgender people violating questions. This includes questions about their genitals, their sex life, or their transition process.
15. Practice consent with everyone, including trans people. Do not touch a transgender person in anyway without their consent. Refer to Planned Parenthood's F.R.I.E.S. when practicing consent.
16. Call out transphobia whenever you see or hear it, no matter how uncomfortable it may be. Do not let transgender people be made fun of, mocked, or joked about. Be the defense against transphobia even if a transgender person isn't present.
17. Be aware of if your compliments sometimes come off as rude or backhanded. Never comment of someone's appearance in reference to their transgender identity.
18. Don’t feed transgender stereotypes. Respect the unique identity of each and every person. Not everyone who is transgender defines themselves as queer, is out, or willing to share.
19. Understand that transgender is an umbrella term for anyone who doesn’t define themselves as cisgender. This includes gender nonconforming, non-binary, intersex, agender, third gender, genderqueer, grey gender, two-spirit, and poly gender.
20. Support all-gender restrooms.
21. If a trans person calls out your behavior — listen, learn, apologize, and adjust. Never use the excuse that you have transgender friends or relatives to defend your actions.
22. Do no fetishize transgender people. This not only means sexually, but also idolizing them in a way that is dehumanizing.
23. Know your limits as an ally. Understand when you don't know something, need to ask questions, or should do research on a subject.
24. Respect Trans centered spaces. Only attend if you are invited and follow the rules given. Always protect the safety of trans people in community spaces while respecting their boundaries.
25. Never exclude a trans person from your event or space due to lack of funds.
26. Hire trans people!
27. Give transgender people your money. This could be picking up dinner with a friend, paypaling them for giving you information, or offering to pay for their ride.
28. Offer your trans friends rides or escort them on public transportation if that helps them feel safer.
29. Donate to trans people’s surgeries, medical expenses, and medication. These vital expenses can be massive yet aren't covered by most health insurance plans. Go fund me is a great way to find people who need your help.
30. Support trans artists. Buy their art, attend their shows, listen to their music, and support their work.
Support local artists like Ash Yergens who's show will have 50% off the proceeds donated to the National Center for Transgender Equality.
31. Read transgender authors. Consider starting a book club where you read, discuss, and celebrate trans authors. Here is a great list to start with.
32. Know that everyone’s experience of being trans is different and looks different. Never assume.
33. Understand that transitioning means different things to different people. There is no overall defined goal of transitioning other than what the each person individually wants.
34. Some people may change their name during their transition. Respect this person’s choice. Do not use someone’s “dead” name if they have asked you not to.
35. Educate yourself about the history of transgender experience within the United States and other cultures.
36. Understand how transgender people played a vital role in the Gay Rights Movement.
37. Know who Mary Jones, Lili Elbe, Lucy Hicks Anderson, Coccinelle, Carlett Brown, Christine Jorgesen, Marsha P Johnson, Sylvia Rivera, and Chelsea Manning are.
Marsha P. Johnson
38. While this current attack is an outrage, understand that trans people are subject to much more violence than cisgender people. It’s important to understand the danger that transgender people experience every day.
39. Understand that the murder rate of transgender individuals in America is alarming, especially the murder rate of transgender women of color. Between 2013 and 2017 102 transgender people were murdered, of which 86% were people of color.
40. Internalize the fact that 2018 is looking to be one of the worst years for deadly assaults on trans people. It is crucial for allies to amplify these deaths as they rarely get the media coverage they deserve.
41. There has already been 22 transgender murders this year. Say their names - Christa Leigh Steele-Knudslien, Viccky Gutierrez, Tonya Harvey, Celine Walker, Phylicia Mitchell, Zakaria Fry, Amia Tyrae Berryman, Sasha Wall, Carla Patricia Flores-Pavon, Nino Fortson, Antash'a English, Gigi Pierce, Cathalina Christina James, Diamond Stephens, Keisha Wells, Sasha Garden, Dejanay Stanton, Vontashia Bell, Shantee Tucker, London Moore, Nikki Enriquez, and Ciara Minaj Carter Frazier.
42. Educate your children and young relatives about transgender experiences, and how they can respect and support trans people.
43. Do not avoid having difficult conversations with family member about acknowledging and respecting trans people. In fact, be the one to start the conversation!
44. Support trans and non-binary journalists and media outlets.
45. Support incarcerated trans people by donating to bail funds like Tranzmission Prison Project and Lamba Legal's Transgender Immigration Project.
46. Buy from trans owned businesses and support the development of trans centered products.
47. Donate and volunteer to transgender organizations. Some great ones are the Trans Lifeline, the Transgender Law Center, Sylvia Rivera Law Project, Gender Proud, Trans Women of Color Collective, and Gender Diversity.
48. Know the number to the Trans Lifeline - 1 877 565 8860
49. Treat transgender people with humanity and respect.
50. Check in with the transgender people in your life, offer your support, and let them know they are loved.
]]>