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Wild Flower—

I’m a huge fan and need help big time!!

I consider myself a very sexual person and have started to become more open about it in the last year since leaving a partner who didn’t fulfill or honor my sexual needs.

So I made a point of being very open with this guy I just started seeing about how important it is to me that a guy makes sure I orgasm during sex. We even talked explicitly about how much I enjoy when a guy goes down on me before sex.

But in the few times we’ve slept together, he’s gone down on me only some of those times, and never long enough to bring me to orgasm. He never attempts any other ways either (fingers, toys etc). He just moves on too quickly, jumps into penetration, finishes and then makes no move to make sure I finish too!!

The other day after this happened I was a) still horny and b) seething inside about it all night!!! It’s such a pet peeve of mine but I have no idea how to confront this guy and tell him he has to make my pleasure more of a priority without insulting him or hurting his feelings. I’m just not sure how to start this conversation! Help!!

- Anonymous

Thank you so much for your question! There’s so much to unpack here so let’s get to it!

First off, congrats on focusing on developing your sexual self and your sexual relationships over the last year. Learning that your pleasure is a priority and making steps to communicate that to partners is amazing, so I just want to acknowledge that. However, when you make the decision to become more communicative about your needs, you aren’t simply blessed with all the skills that will work in every circumstance. A lot of the growth and understanding you obtain is from experiences, just like the one you're encountering now.

So this person that you’re seeing currently just isn’t doing the right moves during sex to get you to where you want to be, even after you’ve expressed the importance of your pleasure and how great oral is for you. I’m wondering how explicit you were in your requests. Some of us, especially marginalized people, can have issues with seeming too demanding or difficult with our requests in the bedroom. When you’re constantly dealing with having your voice silenced, it can feel difficult to speak up. If this is the case for you, remind yourself that your pleasure is important and you deserve to have a fulfilling sexual experience. Having a respectful conversation about your sexual wants and needs, no matter how new a partner is, shouldn’t insult anyone. Pushing past the discomfort of being direct will only have positive results, whether that be getting you the action you desire or exposing a partner of not being worthy of your time. If you’re having a difficult time finding the actual verbage to convey all the nuanced ways that get to you climax, try taking note of what you do during masturbation, or even masturbate in front of your partner to give them a visual lesson.

Developing communication skills during sex is also important. There are a bunch of different ways to communicate what feels good and what doesn’t in the moment. The most effective is verbalizing and it doesn’t have to be fancy or complete sentences. It can be a “yes”, “fuck yes”, “that feels great” or even a blissful moan if a move is working for you. Everyone benefits from some encouragement in the bedroom! If it’s not feeling so good, try “not like that”, or “let’s try this” if it’s not feeling so good. Notice that didn’t say “No”. While you can definitely say “no” if you don’t want someone to do something, we’re not necessarily talking about consent here. If you’re giving your partner feedback, offer them suggestions instead. Think “move a little lower” or “right there, but faster”. Physical cues are also great like moving someone’s hand, mouth or tongue, or adjusting positions.

Maybe it’s not an issue with your communication before sex and more to do with your partner’s enthusiasm. While it’s great to have a partner that’s excited to fuck you, it can also cause problems. This excitement can sometimes translate to speed as your partner rushes to get to the finish line of an orgasm. Slow things down by mixing it up a little. Suggest that you take turns bringing one another to climax, or only focus on oral. This way you and your partner will each get a moment to focus on giving and receiving.

If you find that none of these suggests work or your partner is reluctant to really account for your pleasure during the sex you’re having, find a new partner! Whether they’re a fuck buddy or a long term partner, someone who doesn’t prioritize your pleasure or respond to communication isn’t being respectful of you and you deserve better! xo

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