I am a straight cisgender woman and I am thinking about buying my first sex toy. I have a difficult time orgasming and I have heard that masturbation with a toy could help me understand different ways I can orgasm-however, I am hesitant because I have also heard that masturbating with a toy can make it EVEN more difficult to orgasm without one. Is this true? If so, are there anyways I can prevent this?
Hi Emily. Thank you for your question!
I’m eager to answer this question as I think it addresses some of the harmful myths out there about sex toys and masturbation. There is a lot of misinformation about women's pleasure and this sex negative, misogynist rhetoric manifests itself in many ways. There is this fear of getting addicted or dependent on a toy, so much so that it ruins the partnered sex you’re having. This simply won't happen in reality.
The fear of becoming dependent on a toy spans across all genders, sexual orientations, and experiences. A vibrating piece of silicone is no replacement for another person. Yes, you may learn new ways to climax with a toy, and if you select the right one, those orgasms maybe come easier than they have in the past. But a vibrator can’t replace the excitement you feel with a new partner, the chemistry, or the sexual energy— all major turn ons.
A vibrator also won’t change the way your body reacts to stimulation. Even if you use a powerful wand toy on the highest setting on your genitals, they’ll regain their previous feelings and responses within a couple seconds.
However, if you're used to partners not being able to deliver what you need in the bedroom, a vibrator can feel like magic. Use this as a learning experience. Understanding your body better during masturbation gives you insights you can share with your partner. Maybe you could even invite the toy into your partnered play and let your lover(s) use the toy on you or with you.
Try to view sex toys as tools. If you’re having a hard time reaching climax solo, introducing these toys can help you get there. Becoming open to exploring your erotic responses, making your pleasure your priority and becoming more comfortable with your orgasms may actually help you find new ways to climax, maybe even without a toy one day. Sex toys are the gateway to finding the orgasms you deserve to be having.
Think of sex toys as training wheels and your orgasm as a bike. Sometimes you need to some extra support to ride your bike freely- if you jump on without it, and you'll fall off. With a little practice and patience, over time you won't need so much support.