PSA - Sex vs Rape
Before we dive into some of these hilarious, uncomfortable, and downright embarrassing stories, we first need to address rape, sexual abuse, harassment, and sexual violence. When creating “No Bad Sex” and asking people to share their bad sex stories, we purposely were very vague in our wording. We wanted to create a space where everyone felt comfortable in sharing their stories and experiences, however they categorised them. As anticipated we got many stories involving sexual violence and we are so grateful to everyone who shared stories like this.
With sexual violence happening at disgustingly high rates and the lingering trauma that follows playing a significant role in many people’s sex lives, it’s vital that we make rape and abuse part of the sexual health conversation. That said, we have chosen to leave these stories out of this article for a few reasons.
- We want to honour the people who shared these intimate stories. We are so happy that you were able to share with us, and each submission was read thoroughly, leading to a lot of tears and some anger on our behalf. People who shared these stories are still in the running to win.
- We understand that reading these stories may be triggering for some. Not everyone is able to confront their trauma so directly and we would never want force that on anyone.
- We don’t support calling rape and abuse sex - these are acts of violence and should be treated as such.
- This article is for the purpose of analysing and learning from our mistakes around sex in a collective way. Being the survivor of a sexual attack is never your fault. It is not on the person who has experienced sexual violence to analyse what they could have done differently to avoid such attack. It is not your fault - it falls on the abuser and our culture’s acceptance of systemic sexual violence.
The dynamics around sex can be complicated. In society, we’re taught so many things about how we should act around sex, it can be confusing to really act on what we want. Sometimes we can feel like we have to do something to please another person, to make a situation come to an end, because we’re being pushed to, or to not to feel shamed. While some form of consent is given, we may not actually want to do these actions. The ‘enthusiastic yes’ rule is a good one to go by. If you’re not excited or wanting to do something enough that you could enthusiastically yell “YES!” if asked, reconsider if you should be giving consent at all.
Here are some submissions demonstrating examples of where consent was given, but not in an enthusiastic way.
We talk a lot about communication at Wild Flower. We do this in an attempt to normalise using language during sex to ultimately get what you want, and help your partner get some pleasure too. However, it is easier said than done. Sometimes words escape us during awkward moments. Here are a few stories when speaking up would have helped. If you find yourself struggling with communicating your wants and needs, check out our blog post on “Developing Better Communication During Sex”.
Our intuition and our response to chemistry are very closely intertwined. The idea or visual of someone can be very appealing from a distance, yet as we get closer, these feelings can change. Meeting people via apps and online sites have complicated these circumstances as we don’t get the same responses during a physical negotiation versus a virtual one. Paying attention to the chemistry you feel with someone and what your intuition is telling you can be the difference between a bad sexual experience and a good one. Here are some examples where a lack of chemistry was ignored.
While sex can be a fairly intuitive act, we all need some information from time to time. From knowing how a partner’s body works, to understanding the ins and outs of a new toy, or doing your research on a sexual fantasy, being clear on how something is done makes all the difference. In movies and TV shows, we’re constantly shown two people whose eyes meet, then suddenly rip each other’s clothes off, doing wild sex acts, and having mind blowing orgams. Unfortunately this is not how sex works for most of us. These following stories show the importance of taking a moment to check in with yourself before the action and plan your next sexual adventure a little more carefully.
Confidence is an elusive thing. We are told to develop more of it, yet too much is a bad thing. Confidence is almost a kind of mindfulness — a blending of having the information you need, being aware of the moment, and being true to your own sexual self. Furthermore trying to gain this feeling of sexual confidence via the help of alcohol and drugs is never a good idea. Here are all examples of where a lack of confidence in your sexuality, your body, or your experience lead to unwanted situations.