If you're familiar with the BDSM or kink communities, then you know how much planning goes into every play session. The who, what, when, how, and with what tools or toys are not something that can be left to surprise. This extra planning doesn’t detract from the fun, but does ensure everyone is having the fun they want to be having.
A common misconception is that great sex has to be spontaneous, but that simply isn’t true. In long term partnerships, it’s not uncommon for the spur of the moment activities to subside as real intimacy grows. The key to keeping or developing a satisfying sex life, perhaps, may be planning ahead. Planning sex is a great way to improve both quality and quantity of sex in a long term partnership.
It makes sex a priority again
Being busy seems like a way of life for some of us as work days get longer. Then there’s workouts, doctor appointments, and social engagements eagerly filling up our calendars. By the time the day is done, we just don’t have the energy to even think about sex. If this sounds like your situation, planning sex could be ideal for you. By slotting some sexy time in your calendars, sex becomes a priority again. It may seem unusual at first to see ‘sex’ on your to do list, but why not? We plan other enjoyable events like brunches or dinners with friends and just because they’re scheduled, it doesn’t make them any less fun.
Engages you in a conversation about your sexual needs
We all have different sexual needs, and these needs are fluid and constantly evolving. Planning sex allows you the chance to discuss the kinds of sex you want, and renegotiate your sexual needs with your partner. How often would you like to have sex? Would you like to explore new and different ways of having sex? What kinds of sex are you yearning for?
Get consent back into your conversations
Consent shouldn’t be reserved for first time hookups only. Consent is a fluid thing and boundaries change, evolve, and break down over time. Despite this constant flux, conversations around consent get lost in many long term partnerships. Don't let this happen to you! You should feel confident to express to your partner what you want, what you don’t want, and any boundaries you may have no matter how long you’ve been together.
Planning sex imitates practices from dating
Scheduling a date for sex in a long term relationship isn’t that different than a date when you first meet someone. There are plans, maybe not as explicit as sex, but there is an expectation of hopefully having some intimate interactions. This excitement and anticipation can revive and relive some feelings and excitement of first dates for long term partners.
You’ll probably have more sex in anticipation or in the wake
Just knowing you’re in for some sexy times can be an arousing thought. Many people who plan sex end up having sex in anticipation or afterwards, using the memories as more fantasy fuel. Planning a sex date can be something you can look forward together and enjoy via teasing texts and exciting emails.
A great time to introduce new experiences, toys, and fantasies
During your date, you can enjoy any kind of sexual contact you prefer. It doesn’t have to be penetrative sex. Use this shared time to explore massage, oral sex, sensual touch, or laying naked together. Or maybe you have a fantasy you’d like to explore? Spur of the moment activities aren’t the best time to introduce new things to your partner. If you have a sexy fantasy or what to play with a new sex toy, it’s better to have a conversation beforehand, rather than surprising your partner. This pre-planning also allows you both to be invested, being able to pick out toys and develop a fantasy together.
It allows you to prepare
Yes, spontaneous can be fun, but what about those times when you don’t feel 100% prepared? Do you feel sexier after a shower, or with your favorite underwear on? Don’t want to be expected to perform after a grueling workout or maybe you just masturbated? Having the time to prepare can be fundamental in having the great sex you want and deserve. This preparation also allows you to create a safe and erotic space, whether in your bedroom or someplace new.
It can create a deeper intimacy with your partner
Life can naturally take a toll on relationships and without constant effort and ‘check ins’, it can be easy to drift apart. Taking the time to plan sex dates with your partner shows you both are willing to dedicate actual time to your sex life. This, combined with the added communication, only brings couples closer and helps intimacy grow stronger.
Scheduling sex can lead to other planned relationship time
If you get on board with planning sex with your partner, this planning can evolve into other relationship activities. Try date nights out, movies time, cooking dinner together, or even time to tackle some chores together. You may find that planning what you do together helps expectations to be met and communication to be clearer.