Are you curious about exploring your dominant side but don’t know where to start? If you’re not naturally inclined to be a top, it can seem like a big task to incorporate more Dom behavior into the bedroom. However, it’s not such a huge task when you break down the steps to becoming a successful dominate in the bedroom.
Understand the true dynamic at play.
What many dominant newbies struggle to understand is the true dynamic of BDSM or kink play that includes a Dom and a sub. Naturally it might seem that the dominant makes all the rules and the subordinate simply has to do or endure every one of these rules. However, the sub is really the one in charge since they are the ones creating the boundaries in which the Dom gets to play. While the Dom may be the one doing to actions, it is the sub who has the final say via consent if the action happens or not.
Define your boundary pen.
Keeping this Dom/sub understanding in mind, it’s time to make your boundary pen in which you get to play in. A boundary pen is simply a set of limits that a sub has that are non-negotiable. Boundaries are key to any enjoyable and consensual sexual interaction, but they are even more vital within kink play. If you don’t know where to start, consider asking some of the following questions. What actions and activities are they no willing to explore? What is their pain or humiliation limits? What kind of kink play is a no-go? On the other end of the spectrum, ask your partner what they would like to try, what their preferences are, and what excites them. Use this information as a guide for kink play.
Work with your strengths.
Next consider your strengths or the areas that you feel most comfortable enhancing during your dominant play. What things are you most comfortable doing in the bedroom? Are there aspects of kink play that feel exciting to you? Has your partner requested something specific while you top them? Do you want to explore the psychological elements for dom/sub dynamic or more of the physical ones? These are all things to consider as you work out how to enhance and explore your dominate side. If you have no idea where to start with any kind of dominate activities, consider grabbing one of the books below for some inspiration.
Small adjustments make a big impact.
You don’t have to turn into a different self to explore your dominant side. Instead focus on smaller, more manageable adjustments that feel more authentic and therefore, allow you to top with confidence. You don’t need to transform into a new person, instead focus one of those strengths you identified earlier. Here are a list of small adjustments that might feel good to you:
- Intensifying your eye contact, making it lingering
- Consider describing what you’re doing step by step or giving feedback via positive affirmations to your partner to get used to dirty talk
- Come up with a pet name for your partner or a dominate name for you to enhance to roles you’re playing
- Make your grip and touch a little firmer and longer
- Hair pulling is a fun way to guide your partner while also creating a range of sensation
Allow toys and tools to help you
Another simple way to get into a dominate mindset is to gear yourself up with toys and tools that make you feel confident and in charge. This could mean getting dressed in lingerie or harnesses that give your a kinky feel or having the same picked out for your partner, demanding they dress up for you. Maybe there is a particular activity (like spanking) that could be enhanced with a certain tool (like a paddle). Even more common sex toys like a magic wand can be used as a kink tool to tease and stimulate with. There are even BDSM sets that come with all the kink toys you could want to make exploring easy.
On of the most important aspects of being dominant that is often overlooked is aftercare. Aftercare is the set of personalized actives or exercises that you do to ensure that everyone involved in the kink play feels good afterwards. Kink play can not only be physically demanding, but also emotional, especially for people subbing, so as a dominant it’s important to employee aftercare effectively. While everyone needs different things to help them regulate after intense sensations, here are some ideas on how you can support your partner after kink play:
- Drink water and have a snack
- Take a bath or shower
- Talk about the experience to help process
- Watch a comforting tv show or movie
- Play some soothing music
- Offer your partner a massage
- Check in on your partner the next day
Need more information? Check out these kinky reads: