Rimming & Missing Orgasms

I don’t know if I’ve ever had an orgasm. I’ve had sex with my boyfriend for the past year, and at some point I’ll kinda loose the sexual mood, but I don’t know if I ever really orgasm. What are the signs and how can I make sure we’re both pleased?

Anonymous

I think I can safely say that you probably haven’t had an orgasm. Trying to find the words to describe what an orgasm is can be difficult, but the closest I can come up with is an intense all body explosion. I think there can be varying degrees of orgasm and the sensation is different for everyone, but the basic build-up and release of a sensation is the same. An orgasm should be the peak of sexual pleasure, when all the pressure releases, and you experience a new, heightened sensation. There may also be some involuntary physical responses like increased heart rate, breathlessness, curling of fingers or toes, or muscle spasms. It sounds to me that your sexual pleasure and mood is getting lost before you hit this peak. Now I’m going to hit you with a couple questions to help you find your orgasm.

Are You Masturbating?

Or in other words, do you know your body? If you’ve never explored masturbation before and you’re in a relationship, it can be tempting to hand over the responsibility of your pleasure (and your orgasm) to your partner. Make your pleasure your priority and carve out some time during the week where you can masturbate solo. This will give you a chance discover what sensations you enjoy, what positions you prefer, and what feels good for your body. Although the goal of these sessions are to get you off, don’t be discouraged if you don’t.

What About Toys?

In the same vein, you cannot expect your partners genitalia, fingers, or tongues  to be the ideal tool to get you off. Adding a vibrator or G or P spot dildo into the mix might be what takes you to the next level. To avoid making your partner set themselves up in competition with the toy, invite the to use it with you. I think sometimes toys become enemies to partners, making them feel inadequate. Avoid that by making them part of the process, from purchase to use.  

Is It Mental?

Orgasms are as much a mental release as they are a physical one. However, a stressed or upset mind can sometimes prevent a climax from happening. This mental block can range from everyday stresses to past sexual trauma. Try to notice where you are on that spectrum to help guide you. To combate simple stresses, take time to wind down before you masturbate or have sex by taking a bath, meditating, or asking your partner for a massage. Some chores or tasks may need to get done before you can fully let go. If you’re experiencing major mental upset during sex, it maybe time to see a mental health professional.

Does it hurt?

Experiencing pain during sex is more common than you think. This pain or discomfort can pull you out of your experience and make it harder to achieve orgasm. If this is the case, there are a few thing you can do. First of all, make sure you’re using lube. The most common pain noted during sex is due to lack of lubrication, and even though your body is a awesome at so many thing, making the right amount of natural lubricant sometimes isn’t one of them. If you’re experiencing other symptoms like cramping, sharp pains, dull aches, or irregular bleeding, it’s time to see a doctor.

Got The Time?

Reaching an orgasm can take time for some people, and often the amount of time it takes is mismatched to your partner. Don’t think that you both have to be in perfect sync or climax at the same time. Some people require a little more effort, and that’s fine! Also, be patient with yourself. Learn to come can be a process, so don’t set your expectations too high or punish yourself if you can’t always achieve it.

I hope that helped answered your question. Just remember, learning to climax is a skill, so keep practicing!