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Sex toys after trauma and how to heal


Are there any products or books you recommend for people that have experienced sexual trauma and abuse? I was assaulted by my first boyfriend and haven’t been able to be intimate with anyone since. If I encounter penetration in any way  I immediately seize up and make that impossible. I don’t know what to do.

Mikaela

 

Thank you Mikaela for this important question. Talking about the painful side of sexual wellness is a hard thing to do, but seeking help is vital to the healing process.

Your sexuality at some point was hijacked by your ex boyfriend and now it’s time to reclaim it back for your benefit and pleasure. It can take time to feel pleasure in your body again after someone has violated you, so be patient and gentle with yourself. You are not broken, you just need to get back in sync with yourself.

If you aren’t already, I would highly recommend you seek professional help via a therapist. Cognitive behavioural therapy can be transformative in helping you identify hidden behaviours that were created during your trauma that are hindering you today. Again, this doesn’t mean you are damaged. See it more as your body and mind were so adaptive in its defensive during your sexual abuse, it may have created ways to deal with the pain and stress that you alone can’t identify. These habits and defensives are not serving you anymore, so they need to be identified and adjusted.

The physical body also need to be addressed during physical abuse. Mindful movements practices, like yoga, have shown to be extremely helpful in adding people to ‘get back into their bodies’ after trauma. A lot of mental trauma can manifest in the physical body in the form of aches and pains, so if you are comfortable, indulge in some body work like massage or acupuncture. There are many practitioners that specialize in post trauma care. If you are uncomfortable with physical touch, reiki can also be beneficial.

Intimate self touch is the next step to reclaiming yourself. We have the link of Chakrubs at out store for this reason. All of the wands and eggs are made from natural stones with energetic healing benefits. They are great to incorporate into meditation as a way of interacting with your most intimate areas in a relaxed, calming, and intentional way.

In matter of partnered sex, try to avoid making penetrative sex the sexual ideal in your mind. Having great sex means being sexual fulfilled and if penetrative sex isn’t doing that for you right now, then concentrate on mutual masturbation, intimate touch, even oral sex if that feels more comfortable for you. The introduction of a non-phallic, clitoral vibe can be really beneficial. I would highly recommend the Dame Fin. The Fin is unassuming, intimidating, and when you’re ready, can be worn on the tips of your partners fingers as a delightful extension of their fingertips.

There are a few books I would recommend you read during this time. The first would be ‘The Body Keeps the Score’ by Bessel Van Der Kolk MD. It can be difficult read at times due to it’s frank nature surrounding trauma, however it gives an in depth look at what trauma does to the brain, mind, and body. It offers medically proven solutions and treatment advice to the cycle of trauma. I would also recommend reading ‘Healing Painful Sex’ by Deborah Coady MD for a more in depth look at how the body works during pain and ‘Female Ejaculation and the G-spot” by Deborah Sundahl to explore a little more about your own body and pleasure.

I hope you have found my advice helpful. Remember that what you are experiencing is normal for the situations you have endured and that the healing process is a journey that takes time. Be gentle with yourself. 

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