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My partner of 6 years has expressed interest in anal play for him. We have had anal sex with me, but for some reason I have an extreme aversion when I try anything with him. The idea of my fingers in someone else's body really bothers me. (Even like someone sucking on my fingers is uncomfortable for me) it's not that I think it is wrong or that I don't want to. It's just like I physically cringe. I guess like some people don't like their food to touch. Haha. I said we could try a toy and he was open to that. I've never purchased a toy and really would not know where to start. He has a large penis and I know it can be REALLY painful sometimes during anal. I don't want to hurt him and I was him to enjoy himself. What would be a good starter size or toy for anal? Do you have any tips? I'm very open minded and want him to be able to explore his sexuality. He was raised in the Bible Belt and I want him to be able to communicate with me what he wants without feeling ashamed. Thank you!
Hi Gabrielle! Thank you so much for the question and giving me a chance to address how to support a partner with a kink or turn on that isn’t quite your thing.
First of all, I want to address your aversion to stimualting your partner anally, especially with your own fingers. It seems like you’ve done a little self evaluating and come to your conclusion that it’s a simple and maybe unexplainable aversion, but for the sake of your question and others who maybe in your situation, I think it could be valuable to do some more introspection. Diving into our own psyche isn’t easy but there may have been specific experiences or harmful (yet hard to unlearn) social attitudes driving your natural ‘ick’ response. Did you have a bad anal experience in your past? As someone who is used to being penetrated, does it make you uncomfortable to penetrate someone else? Are you associating the anus as a dirty or nasty part of the body? These are all good questions to ask yourself to become more aware of why you feel like you do. That being said, there are no right answers and remember that it takes effort to unlearn harmful attitudes that may have been learned subconsciously. It’s also completely fine to just not be into it too!
Moving on to your partners specific needs, I think it’s great that you’re being so supportive in his exploration. Many male presenting people with penises aren’t comfortable with exploring their anus and prostate which is a thing that needs to change! Good job on being part of that change. As for the toys, I have a couple suggestions. As you probably know from you own experience, anal play takes a lot of patience and even more lube. I would first invest in a great lube that is safe to use with all toys and condoms. My go-to is Sliquid Sassy. It’s a gel like water based lube that is thick and lasts longer than most other water based lubricants. Next I think it would be a good idea to invest in a butt plug, even better a gradual set. Check out the Luxe Rimmer Kit. This butt plug set is perfect for beginners finding their size. It’s made from super soft silicone and are a nice graduated shape. Plugs are great for personal use for general stretching / getting use to the feeling and masturbation as well as partnered play. After your partner has got comfortable with the plugs and the sensation of feeling full, maybe a harness and small dildo could be fun for the both of you to explore. Something like the Tantus Bend Over Beginner is a fun way for you both to explore his anal fantasies, without you having to insert anything of your own body (including your fingers) into his. This set comes with two different sized dildos that are slightly curved to hit the P spot or G spot and even has a bullet in the harness to stimulate the wearer!
This all being said, make sure to run these ides past your partner. This is new territory for the both of you and last thing you want is to overwhelm them! I hope I was able to help and have fun!