There is lots of misinformation and myths about sex and masturbation out there, one of them being that masturbation can ruin your sex drive or harm you in any way. This outdated thinking that touching ourselves is shameful can stop us from enjoying the benefits of self-pleasure. Masturbation isn’t just healthy, it can also increase sex drive.
Masturbation will not ruin your sex life.
In fact, a little self-pleasure will most likely increase your overall sex drive and your desire for sex. How does masturbation increase libido? Various studies have concluded that masturbating can help you maintain a healthy sex drive and frequent vibrator use has been linked to “a high sex drive and positive sexual function, as well as general sexual wellness”. It is suggested that by accessing your orgasm often, it becomes more reliable and more pleasurable as you figure out what your sensation preferences are.
Your sexual desire should not be viewed as something that has a limit or can be depleted like slices of a pie. Sure, most people experience a refractory period after an orgasm where they need a physical break from sexual stimulation and reaching orgasm can make us feel sexual satisfied for a while. But you do not have a climax quota - there isn’t a set number of orgasms that you are allowed to have within a certain time period. This limited way of thinking about our sexuality can inhibit us from exploring self-pleasure and partnered pleasure in ways we desire to.
Masturbation is not competition to partnered sex… and can even make it better!
For some people, masturbation and self-pleasure within a relationship brings up huge insecurities. Some see self-pleasure is a kind of cheating. Others may feel that if their partner has personal desires and fantasies that aren’t solely of them, that diminishes the shared attraction. Others many simple feel that once you are in a relationship, you “own”, “dictate”, or are “responsible” for your partner’s pleasure 100% of the time. All of these notions can be really harmful to the overall health of your relationship as they place personal insecurities above your partner’s (and your) pleasure.
It’s understandable why some of us have these attitudes. We are taught that masturbation and partnered sex are competing activities. We are also taught that partnered sex is more desirable, credible, or considered “real sex”, compared to solo sex (being solo in general is not celebrated in our culture). These ideas are replicated throughout society even in the most liberal circles. In the sexual industries, the harmful narrative of “Why get a partner when you have you can have a toy?” is repackaged and reused constantly. Furthermore, some people believe partnered sex or sex without toys is more “natural” (whatever that means).
There is so much to unpack here yet all of it can be simplified if we understand the notion that masturbation and partnered sex are not rival acts. Instead varied sexual activities can compliment one another. Masturbation is self-care - it’s an intimate moment with only you where you focus on your pleasure and expand your understanding of yourself. Partnered sex is an activity between two or more people - a way of connecting and experiencing pleasure with others. Often, these differing sexual experiences can actually enhance one another. Masturbation and partnered sex can be harmonious within a relationship if only we let go of our ideas that put these two separate acts at odds with one another.
There are many reasons to masturbate. Getting in the habit of bringing yourself to climax will help you understand how you access pleasure, what kind of stimulation works for you, and, therefore, you’ll be able to explain that to your lover during partnered sex. It can also be a great way to find balance within a relationship when you have a different libido than your partner.
Self-pleasure can equal self-confidence.
Another great consequence of masturbation is a boost in self-esteem. Masturbation causes your body to release a number of hormones including dopamine, endorphins, oxytocin, testosterone, and prolactin. These hormones can positively affect your mood and physical health in a variety of ways. Frequent masturbation has been linked to better immune function, heightened focus and concentration, reduced blood pressure, and lowered cortisol levels (cortisol is a hormone associated with stress). Masturbating can also be a way of practicing self-love, getting to know your body better , and spending quality time on your own, focused on you.
What does this all add up to? A happier and healthier you!
How much masturbation is normal?
You may be wondering how much masturbation is too much? What is considered normal can be subjective, yet the general consensus is that if masturbation is enhancing and not harming then it’s ok. We all have different sex drives and we may experience a loss of sex drive from time to time, especially during physiologically and/or psychologically stressful times. It’s important to remember that it’s totally okay not to masturbate, if you don’t want to. This is a personal choice and desire, not about adhering to any standard that doesn’t feel right to you.
Masturbation may become an issue when it starts to inhibit other areas of your life. For example, if you find that self-pleasure is affecting your relationships, your ability to attend to your responsibilities and commitments, or consumes most of your free time, it may be beneficial to seek help in the form of a mental health professional.
The most common issues that arise within relationships regarding masturbation habits are when a partner positions masturbation as competition to partnered sex (see above) or feels sexually unfulfilled and blames self-pleasure habits. This is why it’s so important to establish proper communication in your relationship - let your partner know what you need to feel sexually fulfilled and when you’re not feeling desired.
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