For too long, the majority of society has prescribed to the idea that sex means penetration, particularly penis in vagina penetration. But this simply isn’t true. Sex is about stimulation and inviting someone to create and harness sensation in your body. Many people actually have difficulty orgasming from penetration alone and require other forms of stimulation to climax. So what would happen if you focused on stimulation to areas of your body other than your genitals? You may learn some new things about how your body works, how your partners body works, plus the focus on pleasure with communication can help intimacy flourish.
Before we dive into the sex, first let’s define how gender relates to genitals. Genitals do not dictate your gender. Gender is a social construct upon which we use to define and differentiate ourselves. Sadly these social constructs have wrongfully included our physical bodies. It’s not what’s is happening between our legs, instead what is happening inside our minds.
Defining genitals in a new way
Language can be very important to the way someone experiences and interacts with their intimate areas. Many trans people experience some kind of body dysphoria, including their genitalia. Some people may call and want their genitalia to be called something other than typical language that is used for it. For example someone with a penis that defines themselves as a woman, femme, or non-binary, they may want their genitalia to be called their ‘pussy’, ‘clit’, ‘strapless’ or ‘kitty’.
Interacting with genitals in a new way
Try focusing on giving your partner pleasure without your own genitals being involved. Try making this the main event, rather than some foreplay leading to your own genitals being involved. Create this stimulation for them with your hands, mouth, or try out a toy. Taking the time to please your partner and concentrate on their pleasure alone can be an eye opening experience. Not only are you able to understand how their body works a little better, it may be easier for them to communicate their wants and needs when they aren’t focused on pleasing you in the moment.
Some non-binary and trans people may want to explore their genitalia during sex in a way that is not the common way or the general accepted default of doing things. Some great examples are trans women enjoying muffing (fingering the inguinal canals of someone who has a penis) or trans men with vaginas wanting their clit to be pumped or worked like a penis would be (que the Buck Off).
Furthermore, people who have undergone sexual reassignment surgery and therefore have surgically changed the shape, size, look, function, and feel of their genitalia may have special requirements for how they like to be touched. Changing something physical about yourself and having to relearn how you like to be touched intimately can include a lot of trial and error. If you have undergone the change yourself, use masturbation.
Sex without Genitalia
Some trans people don’t want their genitals interacted with or stimulated in a sexual way. There are also people dealing with past sexual trauma and body dysphoria where any sexual contact with their genitalia can feel wrong, painful, or harmful. There are also many medical conditions, medications, and sexual dysfunctions that can alter or affect the bodies natural sexual responses. Instead as a restriction, this could be viewed as an opportunity to explore new ways to have sex.
This is the perfect time to explore new erogenous zones of the body. An erogenous zone is an area of the body that has heightened sensitivity and when stimulated may cause a sexual response. Although many of the erogenous zones in our body reside within our genitals, there are still many to explore that aren’t. Take for example the mouth, neck, and ears. It can be wonderfully arousing to be kissed or caressed in these areas. Nipple stimulation can be amazing for everyone, and there are even people that can experience an orgasm via nipple stimulation only. Could that be you?
Moving further down the body, many people find kiss, touching, caressing, and biting of the belly, navel, and sacrum (base of the spine) a wonderful turn on. Sensitive and often ticklish areas like the armpits, feet, and inner thighs are some more often overlooked areas of stimulation.
Kink and BDSM
Introducing kink and BDSM activities into sexual play is a great way to provide stimulation that doesn’t require the touching of genitals. There are many ways to explore kink and it can take some trial and error to find what fits for you best. It’s best to try out a few ‘lightweight’ activities like light bondage (think blindfolds, cuffs, maybe a collar), beginner temperature play (warming up lube or cooling down toys), and roleplay (exploring power dynamics in terms of a dominate and submissive). Once you find something you enjoy, build on it. If you find you like bondage, maybe you can explore Shibari (rope bondage), sensory deprivation, or harnesses and leashes.
Being vocal about your experience
By changing the way you have sex, you also change the anticipated trajectory. Sex may not be about reaching a climax, orgasm, or ejaculation. You beginning and end points may now focus more on a feeling or a sense of being done. Because of this change in the dynamic of sex, it may feel right to end sex vocally. The need to stop will be understood and accepted by good partners.
It’s also important to be vocal as the person who is giving. If you partner is requesting something particular from you, it vital that you’re clear on what they want to respect their boundaries. If you’re unsure, ask them to clarify or have your partner demonstrate on themselves.
Whether you’re looking to explore new types of sex with your partner, trying to work around a boundary or condition, or figuring out your own body, sex without the typical use of genitalia can be exciting and rewarding. Yes, it takes a little more effort physically, mentally, and verbally. However it’s a must to add to your ongoing sexual repertoire.